“How to Dress”: Choose Your Own Adventure!

So, remember when I told you that you have your very own fashionista, dwelling inside of you?

Think about your favorite movie, ever. Think about your favorite heroine in that movie, ever. It’s easy for me to identify mine. It’s Marion Ravenwood, from “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Is there anyone more badass, more determined to save herself, than Marion? Marion Ravenwood is left in the camp at Tanis by Indiana Jones. What does she decide to do? Rescue herself, using some super cute heels and a beautiful dress. And, a knife and a super serious alcohol tolerance. (Not saying that’s an awesome skill.) But, who didn’t want to be Marion Ravenwood, after spotting her badass in “Raiders?”

Yes, the Harrison Ford in this movie is pretty much the hottest male specimen, like, ever. Right? But, he chooses to hang out with Marion. And why?

Did anyone deserve him more than Marion Ravenwood? Who fought for her own freedom, after Indy said he had to abandon her? Who else could outdrink a whole Nepal population? Who else could survive thousands of snakes? No one. Except Marion Ravenwood.

Anyway, if you are looking for a fashion inspiration: trust me, you have one.

Are you Trinity in “The Matrix”? ? The “Mother of Dragons”? Marion Ravenwood? Are you Uma Thurman, in “Kill Bill?” Are you Winona Ryder, in “Heathers”? Rachel McAdams in “The Notebook?”

You are SOMEONE.

How to Dress: Now Taking Requests!

The series “How to Dress” has kind of taken on a life of its own, which makes me really, really happy. “How to Dress” started as a way to answer reader questions about fashion and my closet reorganizations.

Why the interest in fashion, you might be asking? Well, I was pretty down after my experiences with infertility and miscarriage and tried a number of things to get happy, including spending a year trying to live joyfully. Nothing really took, until I started re-engaging with a previous love of fashion. I cleaned out my closet, started planning outfits and began following fashion blogs like The Sartorialist, Garance Dore and Man Repeller.

To my amazement, these efforts started to pay off. When I looked cute and put together, I FELT good. And that small step parlayed into dividends. I think there’s an idea out there that once you’ve had children or move out of your twenties, you shouldn’t worry about how you dress any more. You can just wear a work “uniform” you don’t think much about. As a SAHM, I had resigned myself to a permanent uniform of yoga pants and exercise clothes. (Not only were these clothes drab, they also weren’t very flattering. I felt how I looked: frumpy and gray.)

Here’s the thing: we get dressed every day. We wear clothes every day. Why not wear clothes that make us happy?

Fashion can be perplexing and sometimes it seems like you have to be thin and perfect to wear great clothes. Which is totally untrue. There is a unique style out there for EVERYONE that will make you feel good. Yes, there are basic lessons (which I try to teach here) but fashion should be fun and a way to release your creativity and sense of self. Whether your inner fashionista is a 90s soul wearing Docs and punk rock T-shirts, a later day Audrey Hepburn with elegant capris and trenchcoats, a romantic drawn to lace and florals or a Sophie Loren bombshell favoring curve-hugging styles, you have one. Everyone does!

So I am taking requests for my “How to Dress” workshops. Here’s what I have so far:

From Palm Tree Mama:

“I could use some fashion advice for a sporty chic look this summer!”

From Miss OhKay (and seconded by Mandski):

“Not in season now, but I can’t figure out scarves. They look bunchy and stupid when I put them on but I like them on others.”

From MomPharmD:

“1. Work postpartum and 2. working in wide temps in a white coat please.”

What questions do you have for “How to Dress?”

How to Dress: Four Steps to Being Plane-Ready!

I’ve flown a ton in the last few months. Weddings, graduations, a work trip and a vacation. Some flights were international, some were in the US only.

Here’s the thing: I HATE flying. I do. I’m afraid to fly. The only thing I ever wanted to be on a plane was comfortable. Or so I thought, until I got puked on and had to wear that same outfit to a business meeting because the airline lost my luggage. It made me seriously reconsider my plane uniform of sweats.

Planes are cold, usually. Sometimes, the weather can vary dramatically from departure to arrival, like if you fly into a stopover where there’s snow, then land somewhere that’s 80 degrees and sunny. So, you need to be prepared for a variety of temperatures.

I finally realized that I should wear something that is flexible and could be a cute outfit in a variety of ways if I get stuck somewhere or my luggage does. Or I get puked on.

Here’s the other thing: If I felt cute and put together, I felt more confident on the plane. Less scared to fly, even. I’m not really sure why that is.

So here’s my 4 step style plan for dressing for a plane ride.

1. Wearing Lightweight Layers is the Key

I like lightweight layers for a few reasons: if you are going somewhere hot, you can easily pack them away in your carry-on once you are at your destination and no one will be the wiser.

I usually wear some kind of tank top or tank dress to layer over my leggings. The only pants I will wear on a flight. (See Step Two.) Then I wear a cardigan or sweater of some kind. This is where I try to bring in some kind of luxury: I’ll wear a comfy cashmere hoodie or a really soft jersey wrap.

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James Pearce

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Modcloth

2. Don’t Wear Jeans!

Here’s what I found does NOT work for me: jeans. Here’s why: I have to wear a belt with jeans because I don’t want to show my underwear in the back as I lift and lug my luggage around, take off my shoes at security, etc. A woman in front of us on our trip to New Orleans bent over as she put her carry-on luggage on the conveyor, and showed everyone her hindquarters. It was noticed, believe me, by everyone behind me. Wear a thong, I hear you saying. I don’t want to wear a thong on a long flight. Yikes. Here’s why I don’t want to wear jeans AND a belt. My usually normal stomach? Something happens to it in the air. I get super bloated. (Sexy, right?) So the waistband and the jeans create an uncomfortable situation.

I like to wear leggings on a flight and here is why. They are comfortable. They stretch if you get bloated on a flight. They can look like tights. They don’t show off your bum if you have to pick something up. I like to wear them with a long sweater or a dress. Also: JEGGINGS! I know leggings and jeggings are NOT PANTS, but, you know what? They are perfect for flying.

Leggings

Victoria’s Secret

(I think all leggings are pretty equal, and you don’t need to pay more than $35 for a pair.)

3. Wear Comfortable, Warm Shoes or Boots

I also tend to get really cold feet during a flight. So flats or sandals are a no-no. I brought socks for a while and changed into them, but my shoes just took up valuable real estate under the seat. Boots: I tried wearing some cute, tight, fashionable ones. They nearly constricted my legs, and I was worried about DVT. So, I wear UGGS. I know. People HATE them, especially fashionable people. But for me, there is no more comfortable shoe for a flight. They aren’t tight on the leg, they don’t have a heel, they can easily be pulled on and off during security stops. They are WARM. Love. Them. I bring a pair of ballet flats in my carry-on to change into once I get where I am going, unless it’s cold.

4. Scarves are the Best

Now, the most crucial part: a huge scarf. A scarf does a lot of things. There is some research that your chance of getting a respiratory infection when you wear a scarf around your throat and chest is reduced. Also: It keeps you warm in that overly chilled plane air. It can provide a variety of functions: you can use it as a blanket, you can use it as a hood if your head is really cold. Plus, it can liven up your outfit with color or pattern or both.

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Burberry

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Zara

Here’s how I go from the plane:

Sweater, James Pearce. Tank Dress, Old Navy. Scarf, Target. Leggings: Uniqlo. Boots: UGGS.

To a hot destination!

Dress and flats, Old Navy.

What clothes work for you when you travel? Do you agree with me about my jeans rule (I have a feeling that will be controversial)?

Book Tour: The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption

It may seem odd that someone who has not directly taken part in adoption is reviewing a book about Open Adoption. But I considered using donor eggs, and moreover, I know many people parenting after adoption. I know birth mothers. I know children who are adopted and I also know adults who were adopted. If you think about it, chances are you do too. This book really illuminates a world that is often kept under wraps and poorly understood.

I was blown away by “The Open-Hearted Way to Open Parenting.” I’m going to go ahead and just cut and paste my Amazon review here. It’s OK if I plagiarize myself, right?

This is a rare and special book that makes a strong case for openness in adoptive parenting. Lori’s approach is both pragmatic and philosophical. She gives many reasons, both practical and based on research from what society has learned from the closed adoption era, why taking an open approach to adoption just makes good sense. “Adoption creates a split in a person between his biology and biography,” Lori begins. “Openness in adoption is an effective way to heal that split.” Lori provides a roadmap to foster openness, both for adoptive parents and first parents. She provides guidance on choosing an ethical adoption facilitator/agency (key to all involved) to providing easy to follow techniques to maximize honest and clear communications between all parties to personal and helpful first-person stories from adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents. I particularly enjoyed Crystal’s insights (she’s the birth mother of one of Lori’s children and the co-author) which were honest, witty and full of common sense, and provided a good counterpoint to Lori’s narration. It’s unusual for a book to provide two sets of perspective of the same events, but this fits well with Lori’s approach, which is full of empathy and mostly asks everyone to wonder how we would feel in someone else’s shoes, whether the child (of main importance to everyone involved) or an adoptive mother or first mother. “What you can expect when you open your heart and mind to a reasonable relationship with your child’s other parents is a better chance at long-term happiness and wholeness for you and for your child,” says Lori. Mainly, I was really impressed by how this approach is designed to provide the best love and care possible to the adopted child. Highly recommended for those thinking about adoption (either as first parents or adoptive parents), those parenting after adoption and those who have friends and family who are parenting after adoption.

On to the questions!

1. The term “Real Mother” or “Real Parents” comes up quite frequently in an adoptee’s life. Lori suggests in her book that we see each set of parents (birth and adoptive) as “Real”. Do you agree? How would you personally handle this terminology? And are there other ways to effectively deal with this term if used by your child or directed at your child by another?

I totally agree, and here’s why. Children can be very literal. They understand words without nuance or shades of grey. To be told that one set of parents, either birth or adoptive, isn’t “real” would be confusing and possibly deeply troubling for a child. Children tend to think in opposites: if something isn’t real, what is it? The opposite of real is fake. Imagine how troubling it would be to wonder whether someone critical in your life is not genuine, even fraudulent. I really liked Lori’s approach to how she handled this in the book. When her daughter asked if Lori was her “real” mother, Lori tried to lighten the moment, by asking Tessa whether “Fake Mom” had changed her diapers and sang her lullabies and made her do her homework. Soon, Tessa was laughing at the absurdity of Lori being “Fake.” By inserting humor, but also by treating the question as a literal one, Lori was able to clear up any confusion or anxiety her daughter had about who is “real” and who is not. Likewise, Lori made sure to clarify that her daughter’s birth mother is “real” too: that BOTH she and Crystal are “real.”

2. Holden encourages adopted parents to embrace an and/both mindset instead of either/or thinking, through a careful process of fostering connections of an adopted child to both first parents and adopted parents. Why do you think this approach helps a child “grow up whole?”

Lori says: “Adoption creates a split in a person between his biology and his biography. Openness in adoption is an effective way to heal that split.” For a long time, the approach taken was the closed adoption model, which elevated the adoptive parents, and demoted the biological parents. But DNA and genes are a powerful thing. I personally feel I was shaped by nature AND nurture. My genes gave me my blond hair and blue eyes, my aptitude for reading and writing, my love of fashion and glamour. My parents provided key life lessons: that working hard is the best way to achieve your goals, that kindness is something to always strive for. Their love and support gave me the safety net that taught me to fly. Both the nature and the nurture are truly key to who I am.

From the book: “We help our children form and integrate their identities when we enable them to connect, directly or indirectly, with their clan of birth – parents, extended family, or group of heritage – so they are able to incorporate their very beingness into their sense of identity.” This makes a lot of sense to me.

To conclude: BUY THIS BOOK!

Please return to the main post to read more opinions on Lori Holden’s The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption.

Our Deepest Desires

God.

Is there anything I wish I could provide more to my husband than a surprise baby? A la “This is 40.”

Does anyone else have a husband who wants a big family and they can’t provide it for them because they are terminally infertile?

I feel like I am totally alone.

It sucks.

I wish I was Leslie Mann hiding my third pregnancy. In real life, there would be a ticker tape parade in my honor if I could provide such a thing.

I will never provide such a thing.

And it is forever, forever, a black, black mark against me.

And. That is hard to live with.

This is quite possibly the perfect song for my dilemma.

How to Dress: Being a Beauty or Having Fun?

I recently listened to an interview with author Patricia Volk, who wrote a book comparing her mother, a stunning beauty, with Elsa Schiaparella, the famous fashion designer who was Coco Chanel’s biggest rival.

I love thinking about what makes someone beautiful. Is it symmetrical features? That elusive hip-to-waist-to-bust ratio that both Kate Moss and Marilyn Monroe had? Or is it something else? An unconventional look, like Anouk Aimee? Exquisite bone structure, like Kerry Washington? Crazy awesome cheekbones like Lucy Liu? Being thin? I find as I get older that thinness, sadly, has become more important than any other factor when someone judges attractiveness. More so than someone’s face. YMMV. I live in a body-obsessed area. I HATE it.

The Beautiful Kerry Washington

Volk’s mother’s currency was her looks: they were icy, unapproachable, like a statue. Her looks were so important to her that she got a facelift when she was 40. People routinely proclaimed her the world’s most beautiful woman. Heads turned wherever she went. Can you even imagine if that was your mother?! Volk looked instead to the woman who created her mother’s favorite perfume to create her own standard of beauty. Elsa Schiaparella was not a classic beauty by any of the standards I listed above. (Although she was thin.) She decided to use fashion as theater, and not as a way to enhance what you have. Outrageous clothes, like her famous lobster ballgown, became her signature. Fashion should be fun, and above all, artistic. Schiaparella often collaborated with giants in the art world, like Salvador Dali.

Beauty fades. We all know that. Women who are beautiful and don’t have anything else to back that up: well, that’s not a good place to be as you age.

—
The Way I Was

Can I say some stuff that may sound stuck-up? It won’t later, I promise. I felt a pang of recognition in Volk’s description of her mother. No one ever proclaimed me the most beautiful woman ever, but I used to have icy, off-putting looks. I didn’t have the girl-next-door appeal of a Mila Kunis or a Katie Holmes. The looks were acknowledged, and some heads turned. But I was judged before I ever opened my mouth, and many people years later told me that I *looked* like a bitch, so they thought I was one. Now, I think I look much more approachable. People smile more at me. They treat me more like they did my mother when I was young. No one ever thought my mom was anything but a nice person: she has a very open face.

I think about trying to decrease my daughter’s dependence on her looks. I think she’s stunning in an unusual way. She’s very interested in fashion, but it seems her interest veers more in the direction of Elsa Schiaparella. She’s not interested in creating clothes that look like anything she’s seen before. She’ll only wear “new” looks. She has her own style. I’d call it Boho Romantic, although she would probably not like that. Her favorite book is “Classic French Fashions of the Twenties.” She falls asleep clutching it in her arms.

Lately, I’ve felt the influence of my daughter more with my clothes. I’ve sought out more unique items of clothing, that are more whimsical or humorous. I enjoy wearing clothes that are FUN. Not necessarily beautiful, but fun.

60s Inspired Print Dress, Brooklyn Industries

Landscape Printed Dress, Anthropologie

Gatsby Dress, Vintage

Interestingly, the Met Ball’s theme this year was the influence of punk on fashion. Some of the looks were out there, and I really enjoyed looking at the photos. This was my favorite look. Why? January Jones is an icy classic beauty but she looks weird and different here. She looks…free.

Do you think of fashion as being something that would enhance what you have or do you prefer to have fun and use fashion to celebrate your personal style?

How To Dress: The Maxi Dress

A few of you (and especially Esperanza!) have asked for advice on the Maxi dress and where to find them.

Here’s the scoop on this style. Maxis are (usually) floor-length dresses that flow downward and are not very clingy. They became popular in the late 60s as a reaction to the popularity of the Miniskirt (see? Mini/Maxi!) and between Rachel Zoe championing them and the stylistically popular show Mad Men now entering the late 60s, they are having a bit of a moment.

I was daunted by Maxis for a while, but I also remember my mom in a photo on a beautiful beach looking super glamorous in a purple and yellow number with a fabulous hat. So I decided to track one down for myself.

Maxi dresses can be tricky. If you are petite, you can feel engulfed, overwhelmed by the proportions. If not done right, a Maxi can look like a muumuu. And not in a cool, retro-Hawaiian style.

Here’s some tricks:

Proportion

Halter Maxi Dress, Anthropologie

If you are wide-hipped (like me!) look for a halter-style top to balance out your hips by widening your shoulders. Want to hide a tummy? Choose an empire waist style, or belt your dress slightly higher than normal. When it comes to belts, a wide one could be super cute, also metallics (like gold!) would be pretty. If you are on the shorter side, you can add pair a pair of wedges/espadrilles to add some extra height if you are feeling overwhelmed by all that fabric. I generally like to wear sandals with mine.

Colors

Dress by James Pearce

Solid colored Maxis are going to be more slimming as a general rule. Adding stripes across will add curves (and can emphasize waists nicely) but unless you are perfectly proportioned (hips, bust the same size, waist about 10 inches smaller) it could widen you in odd places.

Prints

Dress by Vince Camuto

I think some of the cutest Maxis are the ones with prints, but you have to be careful with the wild prints. Make sure YOU are wearing the dress and the dress isn’t wearing you! Keep it simple with your shoes, bag and accessories if you are going with a wild print.

Where to Shop:

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Pucci became widely known for their iconic Maxis with their wild prints and neon colors. I have always wanted a Pucci-printed dress. I would consider it an investment, as they have remained popular and sought-after throughout the decades. Here’s some vintage Pucci Maxis on Etsy.

Anthopologie has some really cute Maxis. A bit pricey, but look for sales. I get almost all of my stuff there on sale. Confession: I am a bit of an Anthro-holic. :/

Vince Camuto has created a bit of a speciality business with his line of Maxis. My dress from Mexico is by Vince Camuto. There’s lots of them at Nordstrom, but I got mine at TJ Maxx for $49. It was marked down from around $300! TJ Maxx actually had tons of Maxis the last time I was there. Please note that Nordstorm also offers Plus Sizes for some really cute Vince Camuto Maxis, like the one featured above.

Save!

Now that summer is here, at least in retail land (sorry about the snow, Colorado and Minnesota!), the major retail outlets are featuring lots of cute Maxis.

Old Navy My old stand-by.

Looking for a Coachella vibe? Urban Outfitters has got THAT covered! Plastic flower headdress and Docs not included.

If you are pregnant right now, Target has some great Maxis for you.