Our Deepest Desires


Is there anything I wish I could provide more to my husband than a surprise baby? A la “This is 40.”

Does anyone else have a husband who wants a big family and they can’t provide it for them because they are terminally infertile?

I feel like I am totally alone.

It sucks.

I wish I was Leslie Mann hiding my third pregnancy. In real life, there would be a ticker tape parade in my honor if I could provide such a thing.

I will never provide such a thing.

And it is forever, forever, a black, black mark against me.

And. That is hard to live with.

This is quite possibly the perfect song for my dilemma.



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19 responses to “Our Deepest Desires

  1. Massive hugs. Stupid arse infertility

  2. Shelley

    😦 I’m sorry Jess. Infertility steals so many of our fantasies.

  3. Kir Piccini

    oh my friend. I have been thinking about this myself lately. Quite a bit. Where we don’t have the room, the money to welcome another child, oh how I’d love to wake up one morning and be greeted with the opportunity, the miracle of it happening.

    I read this a few times before I came over to comment. I did that because I kept reading “black, black mark against me” and my heart ached with each read. I know that in your quiet moments you can’t truly believe it. Or if you do, (because as infertiles goodness know we blame our bodies) like I have in the past that having me being here , telling you that it’s just not, makes it easier to swallow that feeling.

    I turned 43 in February. An age well past wishing for another child..and yet I do wish. Just as you do.

    I hope you know that I’m sending hugs and love. I always say that infertility is the gift that keeps on giving long after you believe you’ve crossed the chasm of it..welcoming my babies didn’t take the sting away and I doubt it ever will.

    Love u.

  4. Mel

    You are definitely not alone. There are a lot of us, hugging you and surrounding you.

  5. I don’t talk or write about it but my husband would have loved a big family.

    There is a woman on my FB feed must be about four years younger than me? She has had her third child now in quick succession and is the stepmother of one not too far from the eldest’s age (4 this year like Z)

    I look at it with fascination — It is so foreign to me. There is something almost obscene in the fecundity. I can’t say that it’s my deepest desire because anxiety had so overwhelmed me with the early years having just one ( And my step son who is nearly 9 years older) I honestly can’t imagine going through that again…

    But I can’t bring myself to watch this is 40 and I’m not sure why. My life is so different than the friends of mine I know who don’t live in blended families. Our lives are so compromised and so fragmented by the very nature of the arrangement. I completely understand what you’re saying though and yes it breaks my heart too. Different ways for different reasons but absolutely I understand.

    G and I first met in 1995. He said just recently a imagine if we had actually dated then and realized what we had together. Our children would be in high school by now. He imagines this phantom large family. He will be 47 the summer and feels far too old to build a family (With the frozen embryos that I can’t seem to let go of) at this point. And I? I am so exhausted by the lions share of childcare that I can simply not imagine it unless I somehow was teleported back to being 24, fertile, with the wisdom of my 40 yr old self and the financial stability we have now? Basically the fantasy life.

    Sorry for the long comment. This clearly struck something at my core. Xoxo. P

  6. I’m right there with you. Sigh.

  7. You are not alone. Hugs.

  8. Sending hugs. It is all so hard and unfair.

  9. Hugs and peace to you. Infertility sucks. Period. I actually just wrote a post on how I reached out to a friend who was struggling during this time leading up to Mother’s Day and how other’s don’t know what to say. You are not alone in your sadness.

  10. Ana

    oh yes I get this. lots of reasons why its not going to happen for us, either, yet so hard to give up on the dream of a big family. hugs to you, you are not alone.

  11. Hugs, and I so get this. Everyone I know seems to be pregnant with #2, and it just brings all of it back to the surface. We’re still miles away from even being able to seriously think about it, let alone pursue it. If ever.

  12. I actually wrote a post about that very thing – looking at these younger women, one infant hanging off of them, shepherding a toddler through the gymnastics course – and it was like this pang again in my gut and simultaneously realizing that it was a life I would never ever have. I was just never that woman. Even in my son’s first year, I still wished my shrivelled uterus would provide me a miracle baby. Crazy, eh? Now I am in the midst of perimenopause with the shadow of infertility still making my heart ache because I will never have another child – and couldn’t even adopt another one if I tried.

  13. Right there with ya, except I can’t seem to provide even one, and he isn’t keen on growing our family with dogs. Hahaha. Hang in there!

  14. I knew there was a reason why I was hesitant to see “This is 40″…!! (((hugs))))

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