Remembrance

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I only know what it is like to lose a pregnancy. I’ve lost two.

The only evidence of a child who was much wanted and lost. RIP Babies Jaffe, 3/12/2006 and 3/6/2010.

How to put into words what it’s like to lose a pregnancy? It laid waste to my world. Twice.

In February of 2010, I found out Darcy and I had conceived a child on our own.

The discovery was so specifically wonderful: I loved being a mother so, so, so much. I was thrilled. But I was scared. I knew how easily pregnancy could be snatched away from me: I’d had a miscarriage in 2006 before the twins were born. A “chemical pregnancy,” whatever that is.

It didn’t feel like a chemical pregnancy to me. It felt like the very ruin of my life, the ruin of hope, success, my very lifeblood. We visited Rhodes shortly after, and I was struck by the stark, crumbling, ancient city battlements. They looked like how my soul felt.

The best moment of that trip was when I discovered beautiful flowers blossoming in the cracks of the ancient, war-torn, forlorn walls of that citadel. Somehow, joy finds a way. A way to survive.

I remember. I remember our lost children. I remember the blossoming of the love we both had for the world, for the future. I remember how much I loved Darcy: how much I wanted our love to endure. I remember hope.

I remember, because if I don’t, no one else will. I remember, because I want to tell you all, the 1 in 4, you are NOT alone. We all remember. I remember, because these brave women have inspired me to remember.

I remember, because love is never wasted. It will endure. I will love those children for as long as I am here, on this earth.

I love them. And I always will.

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15 Comments

Filed under Miscarriage

15 responses to “Remembrance

  1. just beautiful. remembering babies jaffe with you.

    I love the image of blooming life emerging impossibly through the dry barren cracks — kymberli in fact used that same vivid image when she learned about my pregnancy, after so many years of loss and infertility.

  2. Remembering with you.

    Poignant image.

  3. Remembering with you, all the babes gone far too soon.

  4. Remember with you and so many other women today.

  5. So beautiful … and amazing how life seems to find a way to bloom, even in the walls of our hearts that don’t ever crumble. Sending you love and light tonight.

  6. Lovely tribute. Standing alongside you.

  7. I remember, too. I’m sorry for your losses, and thank you for the beautiful post!

  8. chon

    A miscarriage and loss will forever reshape the way you see life. Hugs.

  9. What an amazing picture and analogy. Remembering with you.

  10. Pingback: Yesterday…The Difference between Dwelling and Honoring. | Mama On The Fly

  11. Such a beautiful post. Remembering with you now and always.

  12. Beautiful post.. Thinking of you and your lost babies.

  13. Beautiful post. I am sorry for your losses and I am remembering with you.

    That photo and the meaning you attach to it is very moving.

    I love this:

    “I remember, because love is never wasted. It will endure.”

    Also, your second loss happened on my birthday in 2010. It just struck me when I read the date and thought I would share. I wish that date has more positive meaning for you, but now will remember its significance to you.

    Thank you for linking to my post. I feel honored that you were inspired by what I shared.

  14. *sniffle* This was beautiful. “Somehow, joy finds a way. A way to survive.” Yes, it does. : )

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