Bye Bye Balloon!

There is a question that seems to be reverberating in the blogging world right now. At a session at BlogHer, Mel asked: “Who wears the pants on your blog: you, your readers or your topic?”

I have been ruminating on this, because honestly? My blog is all over the place, right? It’s OK to say yes. It’s a little of this, a little of that.

After two years of pondering life after infertility and loss, after years of questions, I’ve finally come to a sort of peace. And an idea of what I want this blog to be.

It all began in Tahoe. I read Stephanie Nielson’s book “Heaven Is Here” during my stay. I am a Nie Nie Dialogues fan from way back, but the book told her compelling story in a single narrative. In a blurb: Stephanie Nielson was a mother of four living a beautiful life until the moment she got into a plane crash and was burned over 80% on her body. In a very moving and honest way, she describes how she found her way back to her beautiful life. It was deeply moving to me.

I haven’t been living my life lately as if I were a lucky person. I have been fearful and terrified and sad. It’s understandable, after so much loss.

I am lucky to be here, to be inhabiting my life. I have the life of a truly blessed person: one who has so much. I’ve been blinded by grief, but as if my sight was restored, suddenly I see my husband in front of me: someone who’s strong and makes so much of my life possible. Fourteen years have passed since the day I met and instantly fell in love with him, waiting in line for a concert. He dazzled me with his wit and sophistication and challenged me. He’s still doing so today.

And My God, my children. They’ve been in front of me, all this time, shining.

My dreams of more, more, more. I don’t blame myself for wanting more: it’s a biological imperative to have many children, it’s an urge deep in my soul. But I am not going to let it rule my life anymore. I can’t.

I’ll always look wistfully at big families, but I’m letting go of that dream. Letting it go into the sky like a sole, lonely balloon as I did when I was a child. I’d beg my mother for a balloon and then inevitably let it go. As soon as it was unreachable, I would sob and cry: “Bye, bye balloon!”

“Bye bye balloon!” I’ll miss you, but I must let you go.

Please know this is only MY decision and I’m not applying it to anyone else.

Faces of ALI is my very small way of giving back to the community that has given me so much. I will continue to write my profiles. Publishers and famous authors by damned.

But here, now, I must start something new. I understand if you do not want to follow me anymore, I do. Dear readers, I owe you this peace I now feel. I don’t want to desert you. I understand how you feel and my heart will always be with you, it will. I will continue to read your stories and comment on your journeys.

But in my own place, I must in turn follow the beat of the drummer I am starting to hear. I feel the excitement, the joy, the adventure, the heartbreak. It’s waiting for me, just around the bend. I hope you understand. I must chase it, because we only truly exist once, here.

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21 Comments

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21 responses to “Bye Bye Balloon!

  1. good for you. looking forward to seeing where this next part of your journey takes you.

  2. Mo

    That made me cry. Totally in a good way.

  3. I think its a beautiful thing, we’re along for the ride 🙂

  4. I am incredibly envious of you and your ever floating balloon, but envious in that really good way where I’m really happy for you and proud of you and just have this giant smile on my face about it.

  5. Reading along and wishing you all the best on this next chapter!

  6. this post made me feel warm and fuzzy. Live life! This has always been my motto, thru the various ordeals I have had in my life. Like getting divorced. Like my mom not talking to me for over a year. Like realizing I do not ovulate.
    Shit happens, but there are still so many great things waiting for us. It’s hard to stop mulling over the past, but once we manage – it’s so worth it. Because we notice that great things are already all around us, we just don’t see them.
    Getting divorced, for example, showed how many friends, and truly caring people I have in my life. Not many people are blessed with that. In fact, I often hear people complain they don’t have even a single person they can confide in. That’s sad…
    Anyway, I’m rambling… Happy for you!

  7. Au revoir balloon! I can’t wait to see what comes next & am not going anywhere! Congrats on finding peace.

  8. It’s perfectly OK for your blog to be “all over the place.” Whatever you write, I will read. : ) But I am glad if you are feeling a new sense of peace & contentment with your life. Yes, there are days when life sucks & we all wish for something more, something different. But when all is said & done, it is & can be a good life, if we just open our eyes & look around us at what we have vs what we don’t. (((hugs)))

  9. I have long believed that blogs evolve. I think to define your blog by only one part of your life, at least for me, is too hard. Things carry over, the pieces overlap, and what once dominated will evenutally fade and new parts emerge. And if we lost your voice in this community simply because you are growing and your dreams are changing… well, that would be a travesty. I’m relatively new to the party here, but I’m not planning on going anywhere. 🙂

  10. Wordgirl

    I’ll be following! Im in the car typing one-handed as Z sleeps against me. (terrible habit on long drives). This made me cry too. There’s so much in life to be devoured. Thank you for reminding and inspiring me

    Xo

    Pam

  11. I’m really excited to see where your blog goes! I do want to say that I have noticed a very upbeat tone to your posts lately. I am anxious to see the next phase in your blog’s evolution!

  12. I can’t wait to see where you go next … maybe it’ll help ME settle on my own direction! xo

  13. Love it. And I’m curious where this leads you next.

  14. I agree with Mrs Gamgee – it is too hard to categorize your blog so you only write about one thing. I know I couldn’t do it. It is great to hear that you want to write more about happy things, and I’ll stay along for the ride!

  15. I love this so much. I just wish I had read it as soon as you posted it so I could have said something to you in person yesterday about how proud I am of you, how happy I am that you have found this peace, and how excited I am to see where you go now. Because I am all of those, times a thousand. I also feel like I had a moment of this understanding of how fortunate I am driving to my shower yesterday, when the tears of gratitude wouldn’t stop falling. Part of those tears were for you, happy you were in my life. Now I can’t wait to be with you on this journey. xoxo

  16. I read this over the weekend on my phone and actually whooped.

    This I love: “I must in turn follow the beat of the drummer I am starting to hear. I feel the excitement, the joy, the adventure, the heartbreak. It’s waiting for me, just around the bend. I hope you understand. I must chase it, because we only truly exist once, here.”

    I’m sticking around for sure.

  17. I also read this on my phone and meant to get back here sooner to join the chorus of your friers (get it?! too many fish to fry… ha, ha), to assure you that I am not going anywhere either.

    As we talked about on our panel/in the session at BlogHer, I for one (and I would venture to guess most of your readers) are not here to read about any particular topic (except for maybe ALI stuff at times). We just want more of you and your voice, whatever that may be on any given day. I support you heading in a new direction, but also appreciate that at times you may need to take some steps back too and that’s okay. I do really believe that we can be both niche bloggers and general diarists at the same time, as Mel pointed out recently and I have really embraced for my own blog and writing.

    That said, by all means go wherever you feel moved to and I will follow. Just promise that you will keep writing and sharing with us here. xoxo

  18. Mel

    Absolutely still here as you release the balloon and continue on. Great post — I love that you are slipping on the pants and buttoning them.

  19. I will still be here! Good for you for chasing it!

  20. Mali

    I love that you feel the excitement just around the bend. Go get it!

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