Things I Am Afraid To Tell You

I agreed to do the TIATTY project with Kristin and Justine and I thought it was NEXT WEEK! Here’s the description of the project.

Which leads me to these confessions:

1. I am pretty disorganized. I hate to plan and commit to things in advance. This has led to some serious strains with friends lately. I’m not sure WHY this is, probably because my day-to-day life is so hectic and rigid? Plus my husband’s job is all-encompasing and he often has events he has to attend at night. I guess I just have so little time available that it feels scarce? I had to bail on a college friends weekend because of BlogHer and I agonized over which one to choose for way too long. I haven’t returned a text from my friend who enquired what my decision was 2 WEEKS AGO. It’s shitty and I know it. I’ll see friends in person and have a great time, but getting me to attend ANYTHING is difficult. I think also it’s because I hate to ask Darcy to watch the kids for me. And babysitters are so hard to schedule. These are all excuses, of course.

2. I’ve been letting my kids watch TV even though I SWORE I would never do that. I’ve allowed certain things in the house (like crappy, cheap plastic toys) that I said I never would. I worry that I let them use the iPads (to watch TV): what ARE the hazards of WiFi, anyway?

3. I’ve gained 10 pounds and it’s really bothering me. None of my clothes fit right. I’m not sure what to do about it. I really am starving all the time, and the eating I’m doing doesn’t feel emotional: it feels like if I don’t eat, I will pass out. I’m eating mostly good things, but I need to drink something sugary, like a Jamba Juice. That gets me going. Maybe my metabolism is changing? And I feel like dieting would be irresponsible, because I get SO grouchy with the kids when I’m hungry, and I don’t want to be that way. I work out, but not enough. I don’t have the energy to bring the kids to the gym (getting them to leave the house is a challenge), leave them in the childcare (they don’t want me to leave) then WORK OUT!! then pick them up after all that.

4. I have major energy issues. I have been working on them with a team of doctors for years. Lately, at least I can EAT my way to energy (that used to not be the case) but I don’t like the way I look since I have pursued this strategy. UGH.

5. I hate how everything is tied to thinness where I live and worse, I hate that I CARE about that, so much. I hate how jealous I feel when I see the woman with the newborn baby in the wrap walking down the hill with her dogs. She just had a baby and she is a STICK. I have this awful urge to flip her off every time she parades by. Then I feel like pond scum. I know this makes me a horrible person.

So basically I am a totally vain, petty, flakey person. Are you still there? Didn’t think so…

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Things I Am Afraid To Tell You

  1. Another brave post, that I am sure many of your readers can relate to (including me). I admire Kristin, Justine and you doing these posts. I pride myself on being open and honest on my blog, but am not sure what I would write, if I did one.

    I definitely struggle with body image and self esteem issues. I am forever trying to lose those last 5 lbs., though lately it is closer to 10 lbs. I also know that I am far from the perfect wife and mother. I realize that nobody is, but know I could and should better.

    Thank you for sharing. I know you didn’t write this looking for positive feedback or validation, but I want you to know, as cliche as it sounds, that I think you are beautiful inside and out. I love your writing, your passion for our ALI community and how loyal you are to your friends and family! Selfishly I am so happy that you chose BlogHer, as that means I get to see you/meet you in person in 3 weeks!!!! 🙂

  2. Bon

    Love this whole challenge!! Such a great idea and something that has been on my heart lately with regard to people in general…

    And – none of these things/confessions change the way we feel about you at all – they just make us love you more and feel closer to you.

    I hope you felt a sense of freedom and relief when you hit publish and didn’t feel too scared…. honesty brings people closer, and if it does push people away – they were never meant to be in your life in the first place!!
    xx

  3. Definitely still here. And brave of you to do this!!!

    I’m coming to think that supervised TV watching isn’t such a bad thing. We still don’t have a TV, but there are times when I need to not be the only one “on,” and it would offer N. another way to learn … as long as you still have some control over what they’re watching, I think it’s fine. And besides, your kids are going to get cultural capital somehow. Better that it’s with you, when you’re within earshot. Try not to beat yourself up over it.

    I’m sorry to hear about the energy issues … I don’t have any useful suggestions there, except to say that I do think our bodies and our metabolisms change over time, and I hope your doctors can help you to find the right balance of treatments so that you feel healthy and strong.

    Oh, #5. I absolutely understand. BUT … the fact that you don’t just hate her … that’s what makes you a good human being. I hate the fact that I’ve been so brainwashed about body issues. It’s like fighting myself to believe that I’m OK. And at the same time, I want to feel healthy, and it’s hard to separate out what that means from external expectations.

    I don’t think you’re flakey at all. Your posts are thoughtful, organized, inspiring, inspired. You couldn’t write that way if you were flakey. Not wanting to commit to something because you simply don’t know what life will bring and can’t rely on alternate child care … well, I can DEFINITELY relate to that. It’s taken me a long time to do things for myself, and I feel guilty about pretty much every one of them, especially now that we have a toddler again, and leaving her with S. or with my mom means leaving someone with a squirmy little girl with dirty diapers whose favorite word is NO.

    I’m really glad you chose BlogHer, too. Very selfish of me. I think you’re pretty spectacular, and I hope I’m a worthy roommate! 🙂

  4. onlylauren

    I love this challenge and too will respond with a “Things I am afraid to tell you” post on my blog. It is funny how obsessed we all are with reality television and yet how afraid we are to be “real”. Thanks for the post and for the challenge.

  5. Yeah, I hear you on #5. I have a friend who basically has a perfect body and I seriously don’t know how she does it, because I’ve seen her eat several times and she doesn’t seem to have any hangups. I on the other hand have a crappy metabolism and forever fighting those 5-10 pounds that I SWEAR will make me a far happier person if I ever managed to get rid of them. This is a really interesting challenge and must have been a little scary to hit “publish” on!

  6. Still here. And I so relate to a lot of your confessions here. I think I need to learn a little from my sister and stop saying I will “never” do A, B, or C. Because I might–and that includes TV and cheap, plastic toys.

  7. You are NOT petty, vain, and flaky. You put tons of pressure on yourself an, if you let up a little, I bet you’d find follow through as easier.

    As for the weight issue, have you had your thyroid checked and your blood sugar too? The weight gain could be symptomatic of problems with either one.

    Thank you for joining in…and, guess what…I still think you are pretty damned fabulous!

  8. I’m still here… and I’m just like you (vain, petty, flakey)!

    Because my blog is not anonymous and I live in fear that the wrong people could find it, do you mind me using your comment section to tell you all the things I’m afraid to tell you?

    1) I cannot stand my husband’s family… at all
    2) My mother and I have no bond (and she pretty much despises me) and lots of therapy has convinced me to stop trying to fix it
    3) I weigh myself every.single.day
    4) We have male factor infertility
    5) I have never been completely happy with how I look
    6) I look in the mirror (and my reflection in store windows) way too often
    7) I worry that some day B will decide that he doesn’t want to be with me (there is absolutely no basis for this – just my own paranoia)
    8) Your blog truly is one of my favorites – I have been a secret fan for a long time and long before I had a blog of my own. Your angle on life is so interesting to me

  9. Pingback: Things I Am Afraid to Tell You « Fafu Mama

  10. Like Kristin, my ears pricked up when you mentioned weight gain & energy issues — I too am thinking you should have your thyroid hormones checked. I definitely noticed a real slowdown in my metabolism in my mid-late 30s, and that’s when my hypothyroidism began too. :p I lost 35 lbs on Weight Watchers when I turned 30. I didn’t even exercise that much, & I kept it off for quite a while. it gradually crept back on (pregnancy, stillbirth & infertility definitely didn’t help). I did go back to WW — I was doing all the same things, & I even stepped up my exercise some, but I just was’t getting the same results. It sucks. :p (((HUGS)))

  11. I love that you three are doing this challenge! Still here and honestly, your confessions make you human. Not that you weren’t or that I didn’t think so, but it’s nice to get insight on what we don’t usually reveal of ourselves.

  12. Pingback: Tattle Tale | Too Many Fish to Fry

  13. Vulnerability = strength.

    These things don’t make you a flaky person. And the flaky crust on a warm blueberry pie? It wouldn’t be the same without it.

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