Which leads me to these confessions:
1. I am pretty disorganized. I hate to plan and commit to things in advance. This has led to some serious strains with friends lately. I’m not sure WHY this is, probably because my day-to-day life is so hectic and rigid? Plus my husband’s job is all-encompasing and he often has events he has to attend at night. I guess I just have so little time available that it feels scarce? I had to bail on a college friends weekend because of BlogHer and I agonized over which one to choose for way too long. I haven’t returned a text from my friend who enquired what my decision was 2 WEEKS AGO. It’s shitty and I know it. I’ll see friends in person and have a great time, but getting me to attend ANYTHING is difficult. I think also it’s because I hate to ask Darcy to watch the kids for me. And babysitters are so hard to schedule. These are all excuses, of course.
2. I’ve been letting my kids watch TV even though I SWORE I would never do that. I’ve allowed certain things in the house (like crappy, cheap plastic toys) that I said I never would. I worry that I let them use the iPads (to watch TV): what ARE the hazards of WiFi, anyway?
3. I’ve gained 10 pounds and it’s really bothering me. None of my clothes fit right. I’m not sure what to do about it. I really am starving all the time, and the eating I’m doing doesn’t feel emotional: it feels like if I don’t eat, I will pass out. I’m eating mostly good things, but I need to drink something sugary, like a Jamba Juice. That gets me going. Maybe my metabolism is changing? And I feel like dieting would be irresponsible, because I get SO grouchy with the kids when I’m hungry, and I don’t want to be that way. I work out, but not enough. I don’t have the energy to bring the kids to the gym (getting them to leave the house is a challenge), leave them in the childcare (they don’t want me to leave) then WORK OUT!! then pick them up after all that.
4. I have major energy issues. I have been working on them with a team of doctors for years. Lately, at least I can EAT my way to energy (that used to not be the case) but I don’t like the way I look since I have pursued this strategy. UGH.
5. I hate how everything is tied to thinness where I live and worse, I hate that I CARE about that, so much. I hate how jealous I feel when I see the woman with the newborn baby in the wrap walking down the hill with her dogs. She just had a baby and she is a STICK. I have this awful urge to flip her off every time she parades by. Then I feel like pond scum. I know this makes me a horrible person.
So basically I am a totally vain, petty, flakey person. Are you still there? Didn’t think so…