YOGA SUCKS!

I will probably delete this tomorrow.

But first: OMG! You guys are totally RAD!

We’ve hit the 1000 mark for BOTH Faces of ALI stories. Most of the traffic continues to be from Facebook. This is incredible. NEVER, did I ever think this would happen. You did this. THANK YOU!!

OK. I promised. Let me set the mood.

It’s the year 2000. I haven’t moved to London yet. A sincere and nice person, who knows my history with exercise classes and yet genuinely wants to help me find peace and serenity, suggests something. I am redacting her name to protect the innocent.

THAT’S RIGHT Esperanza and Lori. She suggested YOGA.

How could yoga go bad? Yoga is peaceful. Yoginis are gentle non-judgemental souls.

Well…

My friend Ji X is an incredibly kind person. But she is very prim and proper. She’s also super athletic. Northern California is a terrible place to live when you can’t exercise without falling down or humiliating yourself.

So she suggested a hot yoga class. I’m sure you all know what that is, but just in case: here.

I should mention that I was under a lot of stress with work at the time. In my world, stress goes right to my stomach. It makes it burble and be very unhappy.

Right.

So I get to the class, and expect it will be a nurturing, welcome environment. Not so much.

There are more men than women there. Ugh. I hate exercising with men. I really do.

The instructor looks unkind. Which, it’s fucking YOGA! Be nice!

He tells us “This ain’t your mother’s yoga.” I instantly know I’m in trouble.

Anyway, I can’t do any of the poses well. I’m very unflexible. It was my biggest problem as a ballerina. Luckily, no one seems to care. Until:

We get to a pose that “relaxes the hip flexors”.

Yeah, that pose relaxed something else somewhere else than my hips. Fucking loudly.

You can guess what the class’s reaction was. LAUGHTER. LOTS OF IT.

And the jerk instructor? “SOMEONE RELAXED A BIT TOO MUCH!”

Anyway, I am sure that you are the kind of person who can get through an exercise classes without farting loudly.

So, feel free to delete me from your Google reader 😉

Point is, you rule people. THANK YOU!

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12 Comments

Filed under Dumb

12 responses to “YOGA SUCKS!

  1. Oh, no! Yoga doesn’t suck. Your instructor sucked. But YOU … you, my friend, are totally, and completely, rad. Some day, when I grow up, I would like to be like you. You’ve done an amazing thing. *hug*

  2. Awesome!! About the stories, not the relaxation. But did you go back?

  3. Esperanza

    Oh please girl friend! You think farting is bad? Try queefing. Ever since Isa was born I’ve had a serious queefing problem at yoga. Like chronic, loud queefing every time I do an inversion. Ever since Isa was born it’s like my vajayj is a vacuum and every time I invert it sucks up a ton of air and every time I come down, well, the air comes out. And I have NO CONTROL over it and it’s super loud. I’ve taken to coughing every time I come out of head or handstand. One of my teachers even mentioned something to me about it. All I could think was, better you hear that than what else is going on!

    So color me unimpressed. I think the stationary bike falling on you story was WAY more tragic than this one. 😉

    Well done on 1000 hits. I’m so proud of you and your Faces of ALI series!

  4. Welllll….thanks to you and Esperanza, I’ve found the antidote to RELAXING TOO MUCH. Simply put, you laugh so hard your sphincter sphincts. OMG, you two really got me laughing. Better for core than side plank.

    Also, I’m thinking of the Beano commercial.

    Also, I think you should read this hilarious book: http://www.amazon.com/Stretch-Unlikely-Making-Yoga-Dude/dp/0061727695/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328940517&sr=8-1

    Also, perhaps your post title should be “Yoga Blows.”

    Ba DUM bum.

  5. I was expecting this story to be SO much worse. Farting in yoga class wouldn’t even make my top 20. Which is my way of saying “Way to go Giraffe!” I’m so proud of you for hitting 1000, facing your fears and trying new things, and raising awareness all over the freakin’ place!

  6. Yay! I’m so proud of you! This is something that needs to be celebrated and soon. I’m just so happy for you and our community.

    As for your story: that’s awesome. And I have a feeling it’s something that would’ve happened to me, too.

    Lori Lavender Luz: YOU ARE HILARIOUS.

  7. Oh thank you! You told that story perfectly. I wish you lots of luck in your next exercise related endeavor.

  8. Sarah

    Oh wow, I was expecting something waaay worse than this. I’m pretty sure I’ve farted in a yoga class, too, but my classmates and teacher were all nice enough to not giggle like little schoolchildren.
    Hope you try yoga again! Maybe not the hot yoga…something more low-key? It’s fun and relaxing even for someone super out-of-shape like me :).

  9. Congrats on so many views! I had to stop going to yoga because of the farting. I pretty much had to pretend like I was falling during every pose so I could put my leg down and try to fart more quietly. 🙂

  10. Barb

    Happened to me in a yoga class. I said “excuse me” and pressed on. Hopefully we’re all adults. It happens.

  11. Jpbarri

    The other day, I found myself between two girls, both taller and stronger than I, in a mat-to-mat yoga class. Long story short…one of them “relaxed too much”…no sound but plenty of evidence. The teacher made a face, looked at me (I am a man, the instructor is female), frowned but didn’t say anything. She calmly pick up a spray bottle and made the area around us smell like patchouli. It could have so much worse!

  12. Pingback: Odds and Ends | Too Many Fish to Fry

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