Take 2: Never Take Me To An Exercise Class, Ever, NO I MEAN SERIOUSLY EVER!

Colours of Cattiz was doubtful there could be a worse exercise class than the one described yesterday. (Short version: I knocked a stationary bicycle onto my leg in the middle of a Spin class.) I’ll let you be the judge of whether the next experience is worse. In my mind, it is. But everything is relevant. The third and LAST ever class is so embarrassing that I don’t even know if I can post it. Y’all, it is seriously that bad. I don’t think anyone has ever humiliated themselves more. Ever. In the history of the UNIVERSE.

As you can imagine, the Spin fiasco became legendary around the office. Lisa would tell the tale to an incredulous audience, gasping for breath from too much laughing. Later she would add the punchline: “And she had a bruise the size of a MUFFIN on her leg for three months!” Soon I was approached by many co-workers to attend many different activities with them: rock-wall climbing, Hip Hop Funk (NO), Salsa dancing. This went on for over a year. I think they all wanted a spectacular Jjiraffe story. I said no way to all and sundry.

Until Darcy and I met and settled into domestic bliss. In other words, we started cooking and eating a lot. I put on a few pounds and my jogging routine was curtailed so I had more time to shop at the grocery store, where I bought things like capers and spaghetti and Bibolis and all sorts of fattening love foods. So when my colleague Elizabeth approached me about a new class, I was vulnerable. This time, though, I would go in prepared. I peppered her with many questions: was this a beginner class? Could the least athletic person in the world get through this class? Was there heavy machinery that I could knock over onto my leg? The answers to all these questions were satisfactory.

Elizabeth thus brought me into class number two: Introduction to Kickboxing. I can hear you groaning: of all the classes, Jjiraffe, why THAT? I can see you thinking of all the possible scenarios in which I could wreak havoc on myself: I could get kicked in the head, I could knock down a punching bag. And I had thought of those scenarios myself and solutions to avoid them. I would hit the punching bag really lightly. I would have super aware senses to protect me from others’ flying limbs.

I was a little intimidated when the instructor, who looked Taye Diggs, if Taye Diggs had been an Army Ranger for 10 years, introduced himself. This time though, I wouldn’t pretend like I knew what I was doing. I raised my hand and said: “I’ve never been to a kickboxing class before!”

Turns out, that was a big mistake.

Taye was very intrigued by my green status. He wanted to teach someone completely fresh to the subject, in hopes that they would develop excellent form and be a kickass kickboxer. It became clear right away, though, that kickboxing was NOT the sport for me. What HAD intrigued me about it was that you use your legs a lot. I have a lot of lower body strength, like most women. In terms of my upper body strength, I think I am in the bottom 1% of everyone in the world. I have narrow shoulders, small bones and limited endurance. Turns out, that particular kickboxing class was 80% arm punches and 20% leg kicks.

Taye, in his efforts to mold me, pretty much left his class to itself. (“Partner UP, everyone! Practice your uppercuts now! Now, roundhouse kicks!” I was Taye’s partner, up front and center.) Which meant everyone was paying attention to my every kick, punch and jab, all of which were terrible, even the kicks. I could tell Taye was getting frustrated, but his method to try to improve my uppercuts was to increase the frequency and repetition of them. “Aim HERE! Punch THERE!” he kept yelling. Always the people pleaser, I tried to keep up the best I could.

Ten minutes in, the exertion was starting to take its toll on my gentle body. Have you ever run really fast, so fast you thought your insides might come out of your body, starting with your lungs? That’s what I felt like. Then, suddenly, bile started to rise. I realized I was going to hurl: I had the watery jowls. How could I make my escape in the midst of performing for the whole class and strict drill sargent Taye? I tried to say excuse me, but had to put my hand over my mouth to prevent the vomiting. I ran out of the room as fast as I could and made it to the trash can outside the hall, whereupon I heaved my guts out. Unfortunately, the trashcan was clearly visible to the kickboxing room. I looked up to see every single person in the class staring at me in horror. Including Mr. Diggs. So I did what brave Sir Robin would do. I bravely ran away.

Then I made a horrible realization: my bag with my wallet and keys was back inside the kickboxing room! I was going to have to go back in there and subject myself to total humiliation to get it. I couldn’t do it. So I trudged down the hall to the front desk (because of course my cell phone was in the bag) and asked them if I could make a local call. Luckily they relented.

I called Darcy and begged him to come help me. Fortunately, it was early in our relationship when he would do pretty much anything for me. (Behold the power of Biboli pizzas!) He boldly marched up there, grabbed my purse and waved at Elizabeth, cheekily. I will never forget that.

Monday, the office eagerly waited for an update from Elizabeth. They were not disappointed.

Seriously, I don’t know if I can post Class #3. Are these cheering you up and making you laugh? Are they making your morning a little brighter? If the answer is yes from enough readers, I GUESS I’ll man up and post it. But it is seriously mortifying. There are times when I remember it randomly and cringe. Still. Ten years later!

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17 Comments

Filed under Dumb

17 responses to “Take 2: Never Take Me To An Exercise Class, Ever, NO I MEAN SERIOUSLY EVER!

  1. Esperanza

    The answer is a resounding yes! These are making my mornings a little brighter! These are bringing a chuckle to my day. PLEASE POST #3! PRETTY PUH-LEEEAZE!!!!!!

  2. Oh Schadenfreude! I for one am sorry that you had to go through that but you just had me spitting hot chocolate out of my upper respiratory tract. Thank you for the laugh!

  3. I might make you feel better when I tell you I went to one of my first kickboxing classes and plain out fainted. Hadn’t eaten enough during the day for that kind of workout so yeah, felt dizzy and then bam, someone grabbed me in the fall. Not so impressive! And no, I didn’t come back to that class. But really enjoyed kickboxing later on, always made sure I was well prepared though.
    Bring it on, it’s great you can share these stories!

  4. Don’t be too hard on yourself 😉 I still think that I am the clumsiest person!

    I once tripped over a wall corner. Not a low wall – a regular wall where the corridor made a turn. Just picture it: I didn’t so much as touch it with my body – only my feet, as if the corner had a curve at the bottom. I have no idea how this could have happened, but it did. Everyone still remembers that weird occurrence…

    Another example: I am so clumsy I can barely bring my mug of tea to my desk at work without spilling it. It’s legendary. I would be walking down the hall, then feel a hot splash on my fingers, then start looking where to place the mug to wipe my hand, then spill even more… Argh.

    So going to a gym with that level of clumsiness? Not even a consideration 😉

  5. Lut C.

    Oh dear. I can imagine you don’t ever want to go to an exercise class again.

    I recently read that walking is just as good for you as strenuous exercise.
    Did I tell you that before, perhaps? I told someone.

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  7. Port of Indecision

    Yes yes YES, post #3!!!!!!

    I cannot tell a lie. The old white ladies in Zumba at my gym do crack me up. But I feel justified in giggling, because I can’t dance for shit either.

  8. Port of Indecision

    Oh, and if it’s any consolation, I’m very athletic – gymnastics (till I got too tall), soccer, track, pole vault, crew, Crossfit. If it requires brute power and a keen competitive streak, I will excel at it. And in May, I sprained the sweet holy motherfrick out of my ankle playing coed soccer. Because I….stepped on the ball. With absolutely no one around me. I just biffed it. Almost 7 months ago, and it’s still not fully healed and very well may never be. From stepping on a fricking ball.

  9. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    Oh my Gd. You are killing me. Remind me to tell you about the African Dance Class I took once. Spoiler alert: I’m Jewish. And white. And not an African dancer, apparently.

  10. Oh wow. Thank you for making me smile. I’m sorry… it’s just that I’m SO clumsy too. The only exercise class I’ve taken is water conditioning because walking back and forth across the pool is easy. (I sincerely hope your third story is not about water conditioning.)

  11. Darcy is awesome. 🙂 And so are you.

  12. At least your stories are awesome! My gym class incompetence is so awful that it doesn’t even make a decent story. It’s just kind of, well, pathetic. Thanks for sharing, and please share more!

  13. I know I am forever late on commenting on this, but just wanted to tell you these 2 posts cracked me up! Thanks so much for the laugh. I feel the same way about dancing- I don’t dance and never wil, because ridiculous things happen when I attempt. I purposely had my wedding reception at the church so there would be no dancing. And for the record, spinning is WAY harder than it looks/they tell you- I did it once- NO THANKS!

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