I had no Internet access for seven days. Seven days, people! I had my iPhone, and that was it. Instead of reading good books, I watched a lot of bad TV. Here are seven lessons I learned for each day I was without the world wide web.
1. From Animal Planet’s The Haunted: If you are stressed out, don’t, under any circumstances, meditate. Because it’s likely that an evil satan-worshipping dead relative WILL invade your home, haunt you AND your dogs. ESPECIALLY your dogs.
2. Also from Animal Planet’s The Haunted: Don’t investigate the paranormal, if you are a man. You may be stalked by an evil, beautiful Succubus trying to suck out your, er, lifeforce. Also, your dog won’t like you anymore.
3. From My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding: Where to even BEGIN! This show was so incredibly FUBAR that my jaw was often on my couch. First off, if you’re a woman, you have NO rights, except to throw incredibly expensive, lavish, gaudy weddings. Then you go live in a trailer for the rest of your life. Depressing.
4. From Paranormal Witness: Yes, you may be noticing a trend here. I am somewhat obsessed by paranormal shows. This is the scariest show of this genre I have EVER seen. If you have an opportunity to buy a massive, enormous home in Connecticut for almost nothing, please, please check property records. Your property might have actually been the site of the most terrible insane asylum, ever. Shudder.
5. From House Hunters: If you live anywhere EXCEPT the Bay Area, Hawaii, NYC, LA and Boston, you have every right to expect to buy a 5 bedroom house with granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, a massive backyard and heated bathroom floors. You’ll get it within your budget of $250k, no problem. The rest of us? SUCK IT!!
6. From The Rachel Zoe Project: Your pregnancy will never, ever show. Even if you are nine months along. Also, you’ll be a size zero again directly after birth. Ugh.
7. From Home By Novogratz: Jjiraffe will covet your chic, effortless, boho lifestyle and your extreme fertility. How does someone have seven kids, live in a FABULOUS home in Manhattan, have a fun design company with their husband and somehow is so likable that I’m not even mad at her? Courtney Novogratz rules.
What have YOU learned from bad TV?