Things I Learned From Really Bad Reality Television

I had no Internet access for seven days. Seven days, people! I had my iPhone, and that was it. Instead of reading good books, I watched a lot of bad TV. Here are seven lessons I learned for each day I was without the world wide web.

1. From Animal Planet’s The Haunted: If you are stressed out, don’t, under any circumstances, meditate. Because it’s likely that an evil satan-worshipping dead relative WILL invade your home, haunt you AND your dogs. ESPECIALLY your dogs.
2. Also from Animal Planet’s The Haunted: Don’t investigate the paranormal, if you are a man. You may be stalked by an evil, beautiful Succubus trying to suck out your, er, lifeforce. Also, your dog won’t like you anymore.
3. From My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding: Where to even BEGIN! This show was so incredibly FUBAR that my jaw was often on my couch. First off, if you’re a woman, you have NO rights, except to throw incredibly expensive, lavish, gaudy weddings. Then you go live in a trailer for the rest of your life. Depressing.
4. From Paranormal Witness: Yes, you may be noticing a trend here. I am somewhat obsessed by paranormal shows. This is the scariest show of this genre I have EVER seen. If you have an opportunity to buy a massive, enormous home in Connecticut for almost nothing, please, please check property records. Your property might have actually been the site of the most terrible insane asylum, ever. Shudder.
5. From House Hunters: If you live anywhere EXCEPT the Bay Area, Hawaii, NYC, LA and Boston, you have every right to expect to buy a 5 bedroom house with granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, a massive backyard and heated bathroom floors. You’ll get it within your budget of $250k, no problem. The rest of us? SUCK IT!!
6. From The Rachel Zoe Project: Your pregnancy will never, ever show. Even if you are nine months along. Also, you’ll be a size zero again directly after birth. Ugh.
7. From Home By Novogratz: Jjiraffe will covet your chic, effortless, boho lifestyle and your extreme fertility. How does someone have seven kids, live in a FABULOUS home in Manhattan, have a fun design company with their husband and somehow is so likable that I’m not even mad at her? Courtney Novogratz rules.

What have YOU learned from bad TV?

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Things I Learned From Really Bad Reality Television

  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    Oooooh…I love reality TV! Seriously. (Well, I hate it, but I can’t quit it…that’s the problem).

    I’ve learned from the Duggars that I’m doing something wrong, and if I just sneezed in Danny’s vicinity I should be able to get knocked up.

    I learned on the Kardashians that I don’t wear enough makeup or dress slutty enough to be a valuable member of society.

    I learned on Big Brother that if you have sex with someone while you are being filmed, you will regret it.

    I learned from the Sister Wives that it is possible to have 17 kids without any real job and live in 4 houses. No prob.

  2. Y’all crack me up. And reading this almost makes me want to lift my self imposed ban on TV (Dexter is the exception). I said ALMOST. LOL!

  3. I have to laugh because I must have been watching the same episodes of The Haunted as you (because I’m a Halloween junkie), and I cannot turn away from the spectacle that is My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Living in NC, I’m
    always shocked at how little $500k plus gets you house-wise in CA & NYC!

    What I’ve learned from reality cooking shows is that bell peppers are pedestrian lol

  4. True that. House Hunters just kills me. Around here, a decrepit shack costs $200,000.

  5. When I was on hospital bedrest for pre-e I learned that Tyra loves a freak show, and that Tila Tequila can cry on cue.
    Sigh. Hours of my life I could have spent SLEEPING!!!

  6. One of my favourite series is Medium. But it’s not a reality show but based on real experiences, it’s all about them ghosts. I even have the book from the woman who’s life it’sbased on. You might like it I thought.

  7. Ugh, watching House Hunters sometimes makes me want to cry. There is nowhere in Canada that you can buy real estate that cheap and I am always boggled by how inexpensive some parts of the States are! And when I’m watching House Hunters International I always wonder where these people got so much damn money from….

  8. I’ve learned from Toddlers and Tiaras that living your dreams vicariously through your children on national TV just makes you look sad.

    I’ve learned from all those property shows that I will never be able to afford a house in the area we want, unless it’s made entirely out of pickles and lox, and the basement is the domain of Cthulhu. No back yard. Four mile hike to the garage.

    I’ve learned from Say Yes To the Dress that I didn’t spend enough on my wedding, since most of those dresses cost more than our entire budget, including the honeymoon.

    I’ve learned from ‘Til Debt Do Us Part that actually, no, we paid for our wedding in cash and didn’t start our married life in debt, so yay for us!

  9. #5: HA! “The rest of us? SUCK IT!” You make me laugh. 🙂 (And also cry because it’s just so true)

  10. AP

    This made me laugh! I’ve learned from the looks of the judges on Toddlers & Tiaras that the pageants are a safe place for child molesters.

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