Tuesday Time Warp: Resolution

Each week, the lovely and talented Kathy hosts Tuesday Time Warps. Today’s Time Warp topic is resolution. The past post I chose was about searching for resolution in my 38th year: whether we would pursue a third child. Now I am almost 39 and am no closer to resolution than I was before.

My only serious option, were we to try for a third, is to heavily invest in Assisted Reproduction Technology, a branch of medicine which barely got me pregnant when I was 34, and my head ART chief noted that my ovaries were about as high functioning a machine as the Chevy Corvair. I can only imagine that my ovaries now are on a Ford Pinto performance trajectory at this point. Ping. KAPOW! (Top Secret, anyone? Anyone?)

This is all silly conjecture, except I feel after my last miscarriage that a child seems to be missing. I never thought I’d have three children. I’d be lucky with one, and now look at Ms. Greedy Guts with two children wanting three. With all of the environmental problems and economic chaos and lack of large financial funds and the high cost of living and the state of the world. You want three kids? I imagine all this is going through someone’s head. Not to mention all my infertility friends who are struggling with just wanting one. I feel so callous and unfeeling and uncaring to really pursue anything. So we haven’t. We’ve made, as Kathy puts it, a “soft no” decision.

I was mostly OK with it until I read this post by Chickenpig. Chickenpig is brave enough to not waffle: she feels in her heart that she has more children waiting for her. I admire her certainty.

Where does this lead me? I’m not sure.

Where are you on your journey? Are you “done”? Struggling to have one? In an ideal world where fertility was not an issue, how many children would you want?



Filed under Time Warp Tuesdays, Trying for a third, writing

12 responses to “Tuesday Time Warp: Resolution

  1. I don’t think that you should feel guilty about wanting a 3rd just because others are still waiting for #1. We all have to live our own lives, and you not having a child that you want doesn’t help anyone else.

    I want another, but the road there isn’t clear, and at 42, the options are pretty limited.

  2. Thank you for this. I really appreciate your older post that you linked to and left a lengthy comment there. I also clicked over to read Chicken Pig’s blog entry that your shared about and it really struck a chord with me.

    As you know and mentioned in your post here, Bob and I have made a “soft” decision to be done and I remind myself often of all the reasons why we chose this road and why it makes so much sense to us. That said, after all we have been through it is so difficult for me to close the door on family building forever.

    To answer your question, I always dreamed of having a big family! I was one of two girl five years apart and my fantasy was 4 kids boy, girl, boy, girl each two years apart. But I was open to considering having as many as 6! I thought that would be awesome! However, 9 years after Bob and I started trying to build our family, I really appreciate why some people chose to stop after having two healthy living children, as we have now. Sean and Abby bring so much love and joy to our lives and I don’t want the rest of their childhoods to be about us trying to have another, as so much of Sean’s early years were filled with.

    So though I admire Chicken’s Pig’s certainty, I understand where you are coming from and continue to waffle about this myself. As Keiko say’s in her Time Warp post today, “Resolution. Such a loaded term in the infertility world. Even after we have kids, are we truly resolved?”

    Thank you for doing the Time Warp again with us this week! Such a great and thought-provoking post. I wish you the best as you and your family contemplate whether or not to try again or find contentment in being a family of four, not that they two have to be mutually exclusive.

  3. It’s so weird when you have to DO things to add to your family isn’t it? It makes the decisions so much more time consuming and drawn out. We are going to add to our family and because we are adopting again, we have to start the process very soon after our first finalization. Blechh. (To the process, not to another baby :)) ICLW

  4. This post really struck a chord it me. I don’t think you’re greedy for wanting a third child. But then, I’ve always wanted at least 3 kids. I used to want more, but I revised that number down over time. I also think that after a miscarriage, it is harder to feel resolved without going on to have a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby.

    One of my greatest fears is having my last pregnancy end in a miscarriage. It’s one reason that I would consider some form of permanent birth control, when we decide we’re done building our family. My thoughts may change over time, but what I imagine right now is that I would want to seal things off to get out of the fear, hope, despair cycle where I’m afraid to get pregnant again because I’m afraid of another miscarriage, but then I do get pregnant and I start to hope, and then I miscarry and spiral down into despair.

    For all these reasons, I can understand why it is hard for you to feel resolved with your “soft no” decision, even while I understand why you made that decision. I do hope you find some peace in with all these issues. (((Hugs)))

  5. I think that if you feel in your heart that you have another baby waiting for you, then you shouldn’t let your guilt or sadness for others that haven’t even had one, get in the way. Your family is your family, no one else’s. If you feel it is not complete, then do everything you can to complete it…your true friends will still love you and support you, no matter what they’re going through. (Ahem. Yup, talking about me here. I’m not going any where…in fact, I’ll be your personal cheerleader no matter what you decide.)

  6. Crazytwinmomma

    I identify with this post quite a bit. My IF struggles aren’t as intense as some, but after trying for 2 years to get pg before I had my twins, I thought I’d be done too. By the time the twins were one, I was longing for a third. By the time they were 16 months I was back at the RE. Now I’ve got my third and I’m still not convinced if I’ll be done or not. I know I’ll be limited by funds and age (I’m 35 now) but I’ll cross that bridge when the time comes.

    When I talk to others in the IF community I do feel guilty, but in the end it’s my life, my family, my happiness. Good luck in your final decision, whatever it may be!

  7. “Ford Pinto performance.” *snicker*

    I’m lucky, I suppose. We wanted 2 and ended up with 2. I take that back. I started out wanting 3 but after I had 2, I realized we were done.

    I hope that somehow you get your chance at #3, Pinto-be-damned.

  8. I really appreciated this statement: “she feels in her heart that she has more children waiting for her.”

    I always thought I wanted two. Now, though, we have one, and we’ve made a “medium decision” (borrowing from Kathy’s terminology, which I love) to not have anymore. It’s something that I have struggled with for a while. Mostly because it’s wasn’t in my “plan” to stop at one. I had an “ah-ha!” moment when reading that statement, though, because I don’t think that I do feel it in my heart that there are more waiting for me. I feel pretty certain that the one who was meant for me has already found his way here. So, thank you for helping me to see it that way!

    As an aside, I definitely don’t think that you should feel guilty for contemplating a third. I have struggled with an opposite guilt. People make comments to suggest that I must not enjoy parenting when I say that we’re heavily leaning towards being done. I feel defensive and guilt-ridden often over the idea that people will think I don’t enjoy my child.

  9. I don’t think it’s callous to want more. We wanted one or two before we started TTC… instead of settling for less, we now want 3 (though we’ve agreed the third would be foster-to-adopt). I think IF helps crystalize what’s important because we have to move mountains to have it. Good luck working through your feelings!

  10. Well, we’re just about to start a FET for #2. I wish I could have done this 2 years ago but we just didn’t have the money. I turn 44 – 44!! – this summer, and my son will be 4. I always wanted 3 children, now I hope for just! one! more! to take the pressure off my son for being a singleton. (as a singleton myself, there’s a lot parental close-watching which can be…very intense.)

    But, y’know, 45 is my cutoff date for kiddos. I don’t want to be 50 with a 3 pr 4 yo, y’know? Not my fault it took 8 years to have #1, tho…

  11. Ah well. I am the biggest baby pusher.. ever. I say GO for it if 3 is what your heart sings for. In a world where money was no object I’d probably have 7. For now we are working on number 5, but we have only three living children. IVF is in full swing.. ER is Thursday. Off we go….

  12. First of all I can understand this is a hard decision. But I think it’s an exciting though. A place were I may or may not be in some years from now. And yes, it’s so much invested doing it all over again of course, but if this is what you want.. okay, say 5years from now: do you think you would regret not trying for a third? I don’t think it’s selfish to want another child at all. It’s a longing and a personal desire. I myself have always seen three kids in my future. But we’ll see about that.

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