Rashomon: The Ill-Fated Blogger Sleepover

I am proud of this unintended blog hop of sorts, which gives three different perspectives of the same event. Not only are the posts a testament to how strong the bonds of friendship can be, but I believe there’s some insight here about how everyone’s history plays into their engagement with friends.

I have always been fascinated by the idea of a one-time event told from more than one point of view. I always try so hard to put myself in others’ shoes. And often fail. But my experiences with infertility and loss taught me many things and one of them is: you never understand what someone is going through until you are truly in their head. And no one can ever be in anyone’s head unless a blogger or writer is willing to be bold enough to put you there.

Here are the facts:

Bodega Bliss, Stumbling Gracefully and I became great, real-life friends. We met through Stirrup Queens‘ ICLW (probably in December/January of this year: none of us are exactly sure of the date)
– Although we don’t live in the general vicinity, we live close enough to meet up in coordinated, concerted efforts
– None of us meet as often as we’d like because of logistical challenges
– Stumbling Gracefully, upon realizing that her partner Mi.Vida and my husband Darcy would BOTH be out of town the same weekend coordinated a sleepover at my house with Bodega, myself and herself so we could have some quality time all together
– Darcy came back earlier than expected

If you are not familiar with “Rashomon effect”, here is what you need to know. The famed Japanese director Akira Kurosawa wrote and directed “Rashomon” in 1950, and the movie tells the story of a crime in four different stories, based on what each character or victim saw and felt. According to Wikipedia: “The stories are mutually contradictory and not even the final version can be seen as unmotivated by factors of ego and face.”

Here is my perception of the event:

I have been burned by friends in the past and have a hard time trusting friendships in general. I had placed a lot of stock in this sleepover: my husband travels frequently and works many hours, I’m a stay-at-home mom of young twins and I don’t get out much. I had cleaned the house within an inch of its life, dealt with Darcy’s early arrival, talked him into making dinner and bathed the twins and dressed them really cute. Then I dealt with Darcy’s freakout about a late birthday the twins had to go to, no time to cook and a failure to be able to make dinner. I assured him we could order pizza. I could not wait for my girl time to begin!

Until:

As I was trying not to freak out because Darcy had not gotten back from the grocery store (this was before we realized dinner was not going to be possible), I got a text from Esperanza:

“I can’t come. I can’t find my wallet. I’ve been looking for almost 45 mins. It’s nowhere.”

You know how people talk about their hearts sinking? Mine literally did. I was breathless for about a minute, just utterly and ridiculously disappointed by her text.

I immediately emailed Bodega, to make sure she could still come. Luckily, she could. It’s hard to say exactly how much I needed to see her.

Darcy returned laden with grocery bags. I told him about Esperanza, someone he adores and admires. “Yeah, she just didn’t want to come,” he replied. “She’s probably just too tired from hanging out with other people. She’s like xxx and xxx.” (Examples of flakey friends from the past.) I could tell that his own heart had sunk. Esperanza is a London friend. Darcy and I had incredible friends as a couple when we lived in London, and have not had friendships like that until Esperanza and Mi.Vida. We never had to put on a fabulous show for our London friends, or pretend to be fun or happy or engage in boring small talk or politely disagree about politics. We could be ourselves: debate, talk obsessively about sports (Darcy), philosophize about celebrities (me), laugh really noisily and generally act like idiots.

Luckily, Bodega is also a London friend. She entertained Darcy with tales of blogs she liked, food and baking. We all had a great time joking and talking really loudly. I thank the heavens each day that I made friends like this. I never would have found them without blogging.

Anyway, as the tweets and texts flew, I realized that Darcy was wrong about Esperanza. She deeply wanted to be with us. She had NOT flaked out. In fact, his theory could not be less the case.

Then, she posted this. Please read it. Because I think all the times someone flaked on me, probably something like this was in the background. I also feel when someone bails on me, it’s a matter of bigger/better. Like, someone had a better time with someone more important than me. A social climber dumps me to hang out with a richer fish, a mom friend dumps me because I’m too…something. I have been so detached from people because of fear. My fear of rejection is huge.

So I hope maybe this story from three perspectives might help. Please don’t close your mind and heart to someone. Anyone. You probably don’t know what’s in their heart and in their mind.

For Bodega Bliss’s view of the failed sleepover
For Esperanza’s view of the failed sleepover

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23 Comments

Filed under Fear, Infertility

23 responses to “Rashomon: The Ill-Fated Blogger Sleepover

  1. Esperanza

    Please tell Darcy that if I were ever to ditch you for “cooler people” I’d think up an excuse that doesn’t make me look like a totally idiot.

    So interesting to hear your perspective. While I was sobbing (and slamming my hand so hard into a wall that I cracked it a bit), you were hurting too.

    What a shitty day. So lame. I doubt I will ever forgive myself.

  2. Please, please forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes!!! I slammed my finger in the car door on the first day of my brother’s visit (which I had awaited for two months) and broke it. I was furious with myself.

    I suck at assuming: that’s my bad. That’s really what I wanted to point out here.

  3. Friends are so important and I can feel the frustration of not getting the meet-up you wanted. Hope you all can do this soon without anything stopping it.

  4. Oh my gosh! I totally got sad for a minute there when you said Esperanza was a London friend and thought maybe that meant I didn’t make the cut….(if you go read my blog post, why I felt this will become very clear). I’m so glad I’m a London friend!

    Now go read my post. 🙂

    • Your post is incredible. So honest and lovely. I have included it in the intro above and could not love this series of posts more.

      You are SOOOO a London friend!!

      xoxoxo

  5. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row

    I love the ALI community. Seriously. You guys are such good friends!

  6. I saw this unfolding on Twitter and my heart sank for all of you. I know what it’s like to look forward to a bloggy get-together, and to have it fall through, no matter what the reason, just sucks.

    • Bloggy get-togethers are really special, right? To have one fall through totally sucked. I hope one day we can meet-up too 🙂

      • I love Rashomon and hearing the different perspectives!

        Having met Lori several times IRL, I can say that you have something wonderful to look forward to.

        Though if her kids meet you after having met Mel and me, they may ask, “Does EVERYONE from the internet have boy-girl twins?”

  7. I was totally on board with Darcy at first, but yah, I see that’s not what she was doing at all. Poor Esperanza. I’m glad you and BB got to hang out though and I am jealous!

    • Aha! Darcy will be thrilled to hear he was not alone. He’s been feeling bad for jumping to that conclusion so fast after realizing he was wrong. I so wish we could hang out…the distance thing sucks 😦 I hope I come to Canada sometime….

      This reminded me that Darcy, of course, was also a part of the event. I wonder if I could get him to write about it?

  8. so sorry it didn’t work out for all of you.

    I loved reading the different perspectives. I think I’m a lot like you in assuming the worst sometimes. with my history I can’t help but jump to the negative sometimes. it’s terrible!

    love the rashoman POV!

  9. Ohhh. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out as you guys had planned but this series of posts is really sweet. I love the fact that blogging has the power to turn even failed meet-ups into opportunities for bonding!

  10. Although it’s sad that your sleepover didn’t work out, I LOVE the idea of a grown-up bloggy sleepover. And I love the idea that blogger friends can become IRL friends. I’ve met so many cool people since I started my blog, but most of them don’t live anywhere near me. There is one blogger who’s become an IRL friend, and a few who I email occasionally, but that’s it. Of course, having friends all over the world is cool in its own way, but in a different way. Your trio sounds so awesome! You’ll have to try again for that sleepover and tell us all about it.

  11. I wanna go to a bloggy sleep-over, too. 🙂

    I love these three posts … and I wonder, why is that fear of rejection so damn hard to get rid of? Because I still have it, too.

    Thanks for telling all of the sides of this story!

  12. First of all, I love Rashoman! I hate that the sleepover didn’t work out. I’ve always had small groups of friends, and I’m going through a period in which I have very few RL friends, so I empathize so much with all three posts.

  13. Mo

    I’m soooo jealous! Next sleepover give me like a month’s notice so I can hop on a plane and join in, ok? 🙂

  14. Just reading all these posts now. This is so great. : ) — not just getting three takes on the same event but the obvious bond that exists among the three of you. Yay for online friendships turned real! : )

    P.S. My husband tends to be a bit of a “doubting Thomas” & quick to judge as well.

  15. Pingback: Tuesday Time Warp: Bloggy Meet-ups | Too Many Fish to Fry

  16. Hear from the near future via Time Warp Tuesday! I am so glad you chose this post, as I recall reading it, as well as Esperanza’s and Bodega’s, at the time you all wrote them, but for some reason I never got around to commenting. Now I have another chance/opportunity to do so!

    I had never heard of the concept of “Rashoman,” very interesting…

    I can really relate to how much you were looking forward to and “needed” that evening with your girls. I LOVE my family, but every so often I too feel that I “need” a girls night out and if for some reason I can’t go or it doesn’t work out, I am very disappointed too.

    I also appreciate how you wanted to give Esperanza the benefit of the doubt, but after years of being let down by others, you allowed the paranoid side of you to creep in and wonder if she didn’t have the best of intentions, which we now know she did and how could our dear Esperanza not, right?! But I get it…

    Thank you for sharing this! I know I don’t *need* to go visit and comment on the other ladies versions of that evening for Time Warp, before returning to read the rest of and comment on your new post, but I am going to, as I always meant and intended to the first time around.

    Thanks for doing the Time Warp again with us this week and for giving me a second chance to read and comment on these interesting and thought-provoking posts! I would love to have the chance to have a girls night in or out with any and all of you someday! xoxo

  17. Pingback: Time Warp Tuesdays: Blogging Besties « Stumbling Gracefully

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