Day 42: Pregnancy Goes Viral, Philosophy Goes Sour

I’d noticed something strange during the drop-offs and pick-ups at pre-school lately. The moms are usually dressed in their finest Lulumon gear. They are on their way, presumably, to the gym or to yoga class. With a few exceptions, all of the moms are fit and trim and spend a lot of time maintaining their figures. (I assume, because of the gym clothes). But lately a few women seemed to be relaxing a bit, wearing baggy clothes, not looking that slender. Cool, I thought. Maybe people are loosening up a bit and not being so focused on staying thin.

Nope.

Turns out FOUR moms in our class (of twelve) are pregnant. All of them are pregnant with their third or fourth child. I learned this today and it hit me like a physical blow to the diaphragm.

I think at this point that we are done pursuing ART, which is the only way I could get pregnant again (and even then, absolutely NO guarantees, and most likely much more heartbreak). But letting go of the dream is rough.

I’ve been trying to stay positive, focus on what we have, use philosophy to try to get me to a more joyful place. Lut C. said something in the comments section a few days ago which made me laugh, but also made me think:

I decided years ago that philosophy was invented by men with too few household chores.

I don’t want to give up on philosophy yet, but I think I do need to say adieu to the Stoics. This particular way of thinking seems to be dishonest, a way to lie to yourself to make you feel better. Unfortunately, my mind sees the way the world IS, which is not necessarily a good thing, but it is unable to fib to me, to see things through rose colored glasses, as it were. I also don’t believe in my heart that bad things happen to those who aren’t thinking positively, don’t want something enough and thus DESERVE misfortune. No. Just, no.

What’s next? I don’t know. Do you have any favorite philosophers who help you? I’m open to suggestions!

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8 Comments

Filed under Discovering joy, Family, Infertility, Trying for a third

8 responses to “Day 42: Pregnancy Goes Viral, Philosophy Goes Sour

  1. “a” philosopher is like saying “a” size. I wish, but no. What I do believe, even when I don’t like it, is that it’s all okay, even the moments that are filled with the extremely crappy, unpleasantness of what is. Life isn’t a box of chocolates, it’s a black and white cookie, only the icing got a little mussed and turned out a very indistinct but still tasty grey. I think.

  2. Esperanza

    I don’t have a philosopher per say, but I do read a lot about Buddhism and find it’s teachings VERY helpful. Maybe you could look there? Also, are these women having one baby every year?! I guess they might just have number two still in preschool but still. That is crazy. I’m sorry you have to watch their big ‘old pregnant bellies blossom. That is hard.

  3. I agree that with a positive mind, life, in an ideal world, will work out for the best. I also agree with Tracy, life has it’s ups and downs and from each life experience we should look at them as an experience that although at times may not be so apparently positive will result in the betterment of one’s life.

  4. Amy

    I have 4 month old twins and a 3-year-old and am getting divorced- lord knows I’m ALL SET in the baby department. But I still feel a very distinct pang of jealousy in my gut when someone I know gets pregnant, especially when I know it happened easily or accidentally. Once an infertile, always an infertile, right? Maybe you could drink a nice bottle of wine (or platter of sushi or something else illicit to the pregnant) to make yourself feel better? (Trying to be funny, not insensitive…hope it lands.)

    and I 2nd the Buddhism, I really like it.

  5. I third (or fourth) the Buddhist philosophy suggestion. I always enjoy reading Pema Chodron and Jon Kabat-Zinn. It’s not necessarily uplifting stuff, but it avoids the sugar-coating or lying-to-myself kind of thing that I hate about other philosophers. LOVE the comment about philosophy being something men do because they have time on their hands. It’s funny because it’s got to be true.

  6. Ugh… I know that feeling all too well. I used to be wrecked every time I saw a friend or aquaintance (sp?) sporting a bump. One time I just totally lost it in my car (a moment I’m not particularly proud of) after picking up my son from daycare because one of his caretakers announced being pregnant with her 3rd. I thank God I am not in that place anymore, but that is just where I am now–I still feel slight pangs of jealousy around pregnant people, even though it doesn’t have the overwhelming force it once did. I don’t have any great advice but just wanted to tell you when I read your post I could feel very viscerally where you are coming from. ((Hugs))
    p.s. I read a lot of books in an attempt to get past my bad feelings, jealousy and depression and some things would help momentarily but then fade. I finally gave up on the philosophers and self-help and (though I am not particularly religious) just started praying, a lot. Sorry if that’s not much help.

  7. I like Lut C’s comment on philosophers. Having only been forced to take one quarter of Philosophy in college it hardly deepened my appreciation for sitting around and thinking. How about a throw things, stomp around, yell a little and finish off with a glass of wine philosophy every time some other chick gets pregnant? THAT I can get behind. teehee.

  8. I’m glad weren’t offended. 🙂
    My first course in philosophy was on existentialism. I could not make heads or tails of it. Too much up in the clouds for my mind.
    “I think, therefor I am, but how can I be sure I have a body?”.
    You’re joking right. Childbirth is merely an illusion? I want my money back! Oh wait, that’s an illusion too.

    Seeing the other moms have seconds, thirds (and more) is one of the hardest things about the school run for me. It makes me so sad.
    And I know other people are worse of, but that doesn’t cancel out my sadness.

    I don’t know enough about Buddhism. Unless I’m mistaken the essence is to strive for detachment. Sure, to a degree I’m ok with that, but how do I rhyme that with attachment parenting?
    Seriously, why would I want to be detached from my daughter in any sense, after going through all that trouble to have her. I would like to detach myself from the pain of trying again.
    I repeat, I know barely anything about Buddhism.

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