Regret

(Y)ou’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Rick Blaine, Casablanca

I have been ruminating on the decision to try for a third. When you’re an infertile, trying for another child is not a matter of winking at your partner, tossing your form of birth control out the window and getting pregnant the next month. As we all know. Trying to get pregnant is fraught with risk (higher chance of ovarian cancer potentially), pain (the many, many shots), and health problems (exhaustion and flu-like symptoms caused by the drugs). And if you are lucky enough to conceive, there’s the scary complications, risk of multiples, and premature labor. There is also the possibility of loss. I’ve had two miscarriages so far and both played absolute havoc on my soul and body.

Then there are the significant upsides to my life now. I have two healthy, beautiful children and it seems so selfish to want any more, for many reasons. I know there are many wonderful people out there who would be incredible parents who can’t get pregnant with their first or second, or who are waiting in an increasingly difficult climate to adopt. The name of my blog is called “Too Many Fish to Fry” and the subhead is “A Low Energy Person with a High Energy Life”. Both those statements accurately describe my life. There are days when I can barely do the minimum of what needs to be done to run this house and raise my children. Our financial situation is such that we can afford to raise two children the way we want to now, but if we had a third we’d have to make some serious cutbacks and decisions.

All of these arguments are rational, reasonable. But none of them seem to be able to penetrate my heart. I am afraid. Afraid I’ll be like Ilsa, who Rick is trying to convince to go in Casablanca. Because I believe that no matter what choice she made, she would experience serious regret. And maybe that is life, and maybe Edith Piaf was wrong. Perhaps many choices we have in life are stacked against us, including this one I’m faced with now. Regret is inevitable once I make this decision. And I’ll have to harbor my regret soon, and for the rest of my life.

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2 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Miscarriage, Parenting After IF, Trying for a third, twins

2 responses to “Regret

  1. Jjiraffe–thank you for the comment on my blog (re: my ectopic/loss). I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. So painful especially after IF–finally to conceive on one’s own only to experience a loss. A double-whammy if you ask me. Our recent surprise/loss is making us really think about a third, too–and how far we are willing to go. Our situation has similarities… I look forward to reading your blog! xoxo

  2. Thanks Frenchie! That’s well put: It does seem to be a double whammy…I’ve been surprised by how much this “surprise” has changed the way I view things. I hope we can keep in touch through our blogs 🙂

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