Why Didn’t I Deal with IF at the Time?

My miscarriage has brought back all the bad feelings I had when we were TTC and going through the IF treatments. I did my best to push down the difficult emotions I experienced during the process. Is ignoring the negative thoughts we have during IF even possible? It’s almost as if all of my memories of IF have been suppressed, like traumas people “forget” and don’t deal with (like Ruby, the reality star with the eponymous show on the Style network, who doesn’t remember any of her childhood and is fighting an obesity problem probably linked to her suppressed memories). If they did in fact remain safely submerged, the miscarriage has brought them back to the surface.

In 2006-2007, when I was in the thick of IF, I wasn’t tuned into awesome blogs like Stirrup Queens. I wasn’t tuned into anything except Web MD, and that website made me think that not only was I never going to have a baby, but also I might have cancer (my mom calls Web MD cancer.com, because every possible symptom you have equals cancer on there). This was stupid of me. No one I knew at that time had any trouble getting pregnant at all, and of course there were never more baby showers that I had to attend than during 2006-2007. I just crawled into a shell, talking to no one but my parents, husband, and in-laws, until finally I shared the news with friends that I was 12 weeks pregnant with the kids. I think people thought I was living in a cave until then.

Now I feel all of those unpleasant sensations of hating my body, being betrayed by my body and I don’t feel like doing anything social again. The day I began to miscarry was the day I hosted a baby shower for my friend, of course.

I guess I could see a therapist, but that’s not covered by our insurance and we can’t afford to pay out-of-pocket. So, I think I will turn to reading the great blogs on IF that I can really relate to. I’m so glad they exist!

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Why Didn’t I Deal with IF at the Time?

  1. Mel

    Oh, that’s a big reason why I started my blog. Free therapy. My husband kindly suggested others would love to hear my thoughts rather than just him (and I usually started talking about my feelings at 11 p.m.). I’m so glad you’ve found everyone and are talking it out. Though I am so sorry about the loss.

    • Thanks Mel! My husband is definitely on the same page as yours, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Thank goodness for your blog. It’s such a great resource for all of us plodding through IF.

  2. I feel your pain about miscarriage bringing back all those old feelings. I am so sorry for your loss.
    Reading through your IF journey I have been on a similiar yet different track. Married in 2002, gave birth in 2007 (after five miscarriages 04-06), started trying for number two and just miscarried twins.
    I thought I was ok before I got pregnant this time because I had my daughter. Clearly having the miscarriage brought back all kinds of repressed memories.

    The blogs are great therapy…and you are right free too!

    • I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your twins. Secondary infertility is really tough, and it sounds like your road to having your daughter was so hard. Sending you virtual hugs…

      The repressed memories aspect of secondary IF is something I haven’t heard too much about. Blogging and reading your blog has been really helpful. At least I’m not alone! Thanks for commenting.

  3. It’s totally free therapy. 😉 I joined a message board during my IF journey and that helped a lot but there was still my own crap to deal with and I didn’t do a great job. Even if you felt like you had addressed all that crappy IF stuff at the time, I’d bet you’d still feel this loss just as hard. I’m convinced that these emotions doesn’t go away, just fade into the background only to rear up every once in a while (or more often). A friend of mine who went through IF and finally got pregnant after 4 years told me in the middle of her pregnancy that she was already freaking out about whether she’d be able to get pregnant again if they went for No. 2. Another friend had one of those “miracle pregnancies” while waiting for a match for adoption and has been trying for #2 for over a year with no success. I still don’t like to hear pregnancy announcements even though technically I could have a baby at any time now. Wow, total ramble, sorry.

    • I think you are absolutely right – IF crap is always in the background, just waiting to rear its ugly head, no matter where you are after the initial IF journey. Ugh. I wish you all the best as you move forward on your adoption journey!

  4. My resolution for this year is getting over it – being failing the second round with IF.
    Rather optimistic, since I’m still not done with the aftermath of the first round. I’ve been thinking of how I parent, and I’m convinced I am traumatized by IF.
    I’ve been toying with the idea of going to see a shrink, but I keep putting it off.
    (Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

  5. I’m sorry that you need the free therapy, but like you, I’m glad that it’s here.

    (here from creme)

  6. Pingback: Creme de la Creme: My Pick | Too Many Fish to Fry

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