Why Didn’t I Deal with IF at the Time?

My miscarriage has brought back all the bad feelings I had when we were TTC and going through the IF treatments. I did my best to push down the difficult emotions I experienced during the process. Is ignoring the negative thoughts we have during IF even possible? It’s almost as if all of my memories of IF have been suppressed, like traumas people “forget” and don’t deal with (like Ruby, the reality star with the eponymous show on the Style network, who doesn’t remember any of her childhood and is fighting an obesity problem probably linked to her suppressed memories). If they did in fact remain safely submerged, the miscarriage has brought them back to the surface.

In 2006-2007, when I was in the thick of IF, I wasn’t tuned into awesome blogs like Stirrup Queens. I wasn’t tuned into anything except Web MD, and that website made me think that not only was I never going to have a baby, but also I might have cancer (my mom calls Web MD cancer.com, because every possible symptom you have equals cancer on there). This was stupid of me. No one I knew at that time had any trouble getting pregnant at all, and of course there were never more baby showers that I had to attend than during 2006-2007. I just crawled into a shell, talking to no one but my parents, husband, and in-laws, until finally I shared the news with friends that I was 12 weeks pregnant with the kids. I think people thought I was living in a cave until then.

Now I feel all of those unpleasant sensations of hating my body, being betrayed by my body and I don’t feel like doing anything social again. The day I began to miscarry was the day I hosted a baby shower for my friend, of course.

I guess I could see a therapist, but that’s not covered by our insurance and we can’t afford to pay out-of-pocket. So, I think I will turn to reading the great blogs on IF that I can really relate to. I’m so glad they exist!

My IF Journey: Cheat Sheet

IF sucks. I’ve been dealing with it for awhile. Here’s my history:

2002: Get married.
2004-2005: Begin “fun” process of TTC. After a year, nada. We both do the standard tests. All tests come back normal. All systems go?
2006: IF process begins. Clomid IUI, no pregnancy. Injectibles, IUI, no pregnancy. Then IVF #1. After egg retrieval, disaster. Only four eggs retrieved, only one of good quality. Very unusual result given my age: 32. IF doctor diagnoses me with “unusual ovarian failure”. But, egg fertilizes anyway and turns into top quality embryo. BFP, but low Beta. Miscarriage #1, chemical pregnancy. We decide to take a break.
2007: IVF #2: 10 eggs, 8 fertilize, IF Dr does blastocycles, and ours stink. Implant top 2, BFN. Begin to investigate donor eggs.
IVF#3 – last chance before donor eggs! 8 eggs total, 4 fertilize, and top 2 implant. Twins pregnancy! Give birth to boy/girl twins at 35 weeks 5 days. Best day of my life. Yay!
2010: After two years of using IF as birth control I get pregnant. Totally unexpected as IF Dr. said chances of that happening were about 1 in a million. Small gestation sac noted at 5 weeks. But strong heartbeat. 8 weeks 1 day, miscarriage. Ugh. I don’t know why I thought the result would be anything else.

“I Have Two of These at Home”

If you saw the Oscars on Sunday, you may have noticed the speech by the woman who won Best Costume Design. Her speech, which began with the statement “Well, I have two of these at home already…”, must have annoyed costume designers the world over. And I’m afraid this inagural post may do the same, if anyone ever reads it (but more likely I’m just typing into the void, which is probably for the best).

I had a miscarriage on Friday. And I am really bummed about it. Even though I have two kids already.