I’m obsessed with Fun’s “Some Nights.” It’s a truly great pop song. It’s also an upbeat anthem of sorts, and wouldn’t be out of place in a Broadway musical?
It has some dark lyrics, and seems to be about the experience of being deeply…ambivalent.
And that’s what it’s come down to: I identify most with an anthem about the gray areas of life.
“What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know…”
I’ve never really been a person who sees things in black and white. I’ve always been pretty obsessed with social justice, why things are fair for some and not for others, and I have never been able to be constrained by a narrow worldview. It would be easy in many ways to accept a belief system. Not to always QUESTION things. Sometimes, I believe my way of seeing the world is a misfortune. Some of the Mormon bloggers seem so HAPPY. There’s an acceptance that the world is the way Joseph Smith told it to them and I think that must be soothing.
This is just an example. I could use any religion or worldview, even a specific parenting philosophy as an example.
I think I inherited this tendency towards questioning from my grandmother. She was a great believer in the underdog, she abhorred injustice of any kind. She was an early supporter of civil rights, even though she lived in a very conservative state. She believed in the goodness of those around her. At least, this is how I remember her.
And oh, did she love baseball. To my grandmother, every great and terrible aspect of America was reflected in our nation’s pastime. She cheered when Jackie Robinson broke the color line. She was very angry at those players who took steroids and cheated. She loved her Atlanta Braves, but was always secretly thrilled when an underrated team took them on and beat them.
When I was very ill in my early 30s, a game of baseball really changed my life. I was so blinded by my pain and illness that I was unable to embrace life anymore. Darcy had had enough. Darcy loves baseball, the Giants specifically. One day, who knows why, I told him I’d like to go to a baseball game. I knew I’d be miserable at the game, but I needed to do something human, with my husband. So I went to a Giants game. It was exciting enough to jolt me out of my physical misery a bit. After that, I watched every game with Darcy in our living room. It became a ritual. I grew stronger and better, and by the time September of that season rolled around, I was on the road to recovery.
When I got pregnant, the All-Star game was in San Francisco. I went. It was one of the few times I went out in public. To me, baseball is good luck. I wanted to immerse the twins in that luck.
The twins now watch the baseball games with their dad. We’ve taken to playing T-ball in our yard every warm summer evening. My son LOVES to hit the ball. He’s so passionate about the game.
I want so much on these evenings to have my grandmother here, watching us. Maybe she is watching us from somewhere.
I’m ambivalent, but I have my hopes.
I always have my hopes.
Do you have any songs that you strongly identify with?