"Having the Billionaire's Baby": A Book Review

I recently returned from a wonderful visit with my parents. We stayed in a lovely rental house on a lake.

My WiFi died, and I finished the book I had (“Bad Day for Sorry” by Sophie Littlefield: which was great fun) so I checked out the rental’s bookshelf. There were three choices:

The Bible and two Harlequin books:

The Rich Man’s Baby

I love that he’s wearing a tux while standing in front of a random house, probably photoshopped from a mid-range suburban development called “The Estates.” Because nothing says “rich man” like a tuxedo and a tract home?

And, Having the Billionaire’s Baby

I mean, go big, right? A mere “rich man” doesn’t tempt quite like a “billionaire” does.

When suffering from insomnia, I read and tweet, and so I declared my intention to read this on my dying phone with its weak 3G signal.

How terrible and creepy IS this book? About to find out…#ranoutofbooks instagr.am/p/LWsqm2H0ie/—
Too Many Fish to Fry (@2manyfish2fry) June 02, 2012

Kristin quickly responded:

@2manyfish2fry sometimes a book can be so filled with fucknuttery that it is good—
Kristin Cruz (@dragondream) June 02, 2012

Which, good point.

So I began reading. Quickly I could identify with the main character, a 22 year old woman who is about to disrupt the wedding of the man she thinks she’s in love with.

Turns out “Dirk” (heh) is her next door neighbor. She has loved him from afar since she was 12. BUT SHE HASN’T SPOKEN TO HIM IN YEARS. So, naturally, she decides to blow up his wedding by declaring her “love” for him.

As you do.

What an asshole.

Luckily, the “billionaire” has a sixth sense that Serena, our “heroine” is going to try some shenanigans (HOW? Not explained) so he decides to block her at her pew as she tries to rush to the front of the aisle.

"…somehow she'd let him smoothly and casually derail her attempt to stop Dirk's wedding." #havingthebillionairesbaby #happensallthetime—
Too Many Fish to Fry (@2manyfish2fry) June 02, 2012

Luckily, the near ruin of someone’s wedding by a practical stranger is played for laughs.

"Serena chucked at herself. What a foolish ninny she'd been!" #havingthebillionairesbaby This book was published in 2000, all y'all.—
Too Many Fish to Fry (@2manyfish2fry) June 02, 2012

Serena and her billionaire (described as a “granite” like presence: no one brings teh sexy like a rock, right?) adjourn to outside the church to bond. The billionaire used to be the bride’s husband, but turns out he didn’t love her like she deserved to be loved. Soon their musing turns into hot attraction.

"It was centripetal force, not centrifugal, that exerted itself on them." #havingthebillionairesbaby #scienceissexy—
Too Many Fish to Fry (@2manyfish2fry) June 02, 2012

So much so that:

"Graham knew just whom he wanted to tumble." #havingthebillionairesbaby #Whomnotwho #grammarmatters—
Too Many Fish to Fry (@2manyfish2fry) June 02, 2012

Maybe Harlequin novels contribute to many people’s ignorance about infertility because there are consequences to the one-night stand.

Of course she's a virgin. Of course she gets pregnant the first time she has sex. #havingthebillionairesbaby #sideeye #asif—
Too Many Fish to Fry (@2manyfish2fry) June 02, 2012

After this initial beginning, the book plays out exactly as you would imagine: Serena keeps her pregnancy from the billionaire, billionaire finds out and boy is HE pissed, then they fall in LUURVE. Because nothing brings random strangers together like a random pregnancy.

Also, the billionaire is 34. 34!! He’s no Mark Zuckerburg, either: he doesn’t seem to even own a mobile phone or a laptop or really use any technology at all.

All in all, I think this is maybe the definitive comment about “Billionaire’s Baby”, from The Adventures of Chicken and Ham:

@2manyfish2fry this book is like an unofficial autobiography of my life, except the complete opposite

What I WANT TO KNOW is what audience is this aimed at? Gold diggers who want to trap a billionaire with a love child? And I shudder to think that is a big demographic!!

WEIRDEST. BOOK. EVER.

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