Mea Culpa: I Suck.

The last few posts on Prompt(ly) have left me feeling fully ashamed of myself. Rightfully so.

The ALI community is a wonderful, judgement-free place of comforting words, a refuge from those who don’t understand, a place where you should never hear words like “just relax” or “comment, more!!”.

I feel like I tried to put demands on this safe refuge. While that was not my intention, it is indeed what I did. I deserve to dwell in that knowledge for a while.

PLEASE don’t feel guilty if you think you don’t comment enough. Those in the ALI community feel enough guilt in our lives without stupid rules telling you to comment more.

I’d like to conclude with this wonderfully true statement from St. Elsewhere:

“To be fair, blogging conditioned to appeal to a certain type of readership sucks the joy out of blogging. So write like no one else is reading and respond like you really are reading.”

Word.

Blog Etiquette: Should Bloggers Respond to Every Comment, Part Three

OK, so it turns out that there is more to say about why people comment or don’t. A lot more.

One of my favorite bloggers is Lut Cass. She has a wonderfully dry wit, and I’ll never forget when I was trying (and failing) to use philosophy to feel more joy, she told me this:

“I’ve decided long ago that philosophy was invented by men with too few household chores.”

Hee!

She has at least a few times provided a voice of sanity on various issues I’ve brought up here over the last year. Today on Prompt(ly) she brought up another group of people who don’t comment: those who can’t read a blogger without being pained. (For example, commenting on pregnancy blogs when you are dealing with infertility.) Or a blogger thinks they would cause pain by commenting. (For example, you are pregnant or trying to conceive a second child, and you think bloggers wouldn’t appreciate your comments.) It’s a valid point, and I know that I have not commented on some people’s blogs because I feel I might cause hurt. And I admit that it’s very hard for me to read about bloggers celebrating their third or fourth pregnancies.

3) So this phenomenon would be the third category: Conscientious Avoiders.

I think there might be a partial solution for this. There was a fantastic blogger who seems to have disappeared into the ether. Her name was Miss Ruby, and she liked to say that if you couldn’t think of something to say to her, please leave her a pebble. That way she knew you were thinking of her, even if you didn’t have the words. The pebble was this, I think (.) In addition, WordPress offers the ability for a reader to “like” a post. I personally would love to see people use the pebble or like function more. What do you all think?

In addition, blogger Moandwill offered the thought, echoed by others, that reciprocity might be disingenuous. She works 70+ hours and struggles to make the time for blogging and commenting. Many, many others are in this same dilemma. Surely we don’t want to penalize bloggers for not having as much time to write and comment as others?

Finally, Mel reminded me of another category.

4) Established Bloggers. These bloggers have an established tribe and social circle.

As Mel articulated this category:

“(There are also) those who want comments, but they feel that at the moment they’re full-up on support and have their tribe. They are fine receiving comments from others outside of their tribe, but they’re not going to add more people to their commenting/reading world.”

Justine suggested maybe bloggers should state what blogging intentions are in their bio (or categorize themselves even). Maybe this would reduce hurt feelings and misunderstandings, which based on the comments I’ve received so far does seem to be a legitimate problem within the blogosphere.

So what do you think about all this? What I DON’T want to happen is this, again from Lut Cass:

“I see a danger in promoting a blog etiquette that puts high expectations on ALI bloggers. And that is that the bar for entry will be raised too high.”

Blog Etiquette: When Bloggers Ignore Comments, Part Two

The discussion provoked by the topic “When Bloggers Ignore Comments” proves that commenting on blogs is no simple matter. Want more? There’s at least ten more fascinating points of view on Prompt(ly).

What I’ve gathered: it seems like there are two different types of bloggers, who have different motivations.

1) The Conscientious Commenter: This can be a blogger, like Stumbling Gracefully, who responds to every comment they receive, whether they respond to a comment on their own blog, or whether they go to the commenter’s blog and respond there. This can be a blogger like Mel or Lori who are both inundated by comments but who try to do their best to involve their readers in conversation in some way, whether by email reply or re-tweeting someone’s post. This can be a blogger who responds to some comments, but not all. This can be a blogger who FEELS there is a reciprocal relationship between themselves and their readers, even if they don’t do a lot to engage their audience.

But, as I suspected, a few have confirmed to me that there is, indeed, another type of blogger.

2) The Connoisseurs: these are bloggers who blog for themselves. They write because they want to clear their heads and make sense of events. They write to keep an online record of their writing, trace patterns in their lives through their writing. They want to perfect their writing. If they receive comments, that is a plus, but getting comments is not their raison d’être. Now, when this particular type of blogger DOES comment on someone’s blog, it’s not because they feel obligated to, or want to reciprocate. A comment from them is the ultimate compliment: it’s their way of saying you’ve done something to kick ass. They appreciate your post like they would a glass of fine wine or an object of art or a piece of s’more pie. Or because you really are that damn funny. Among the big bloggers, I’d probably classify Julie of A Little Pregnant in this category. Do you agree? FoxyPopcorn has confirmed that she is this type of blogger, and has asked for peace between the two categories

There should be room in the blogosphere for both type of bloggers, obviously. I think there are also bound to be misunderstandings between the two categories. I think I assumed that all bloggers were bound to reciprocate my admiration for them. Why? That’s not the way things work in the real world. Chris Martin may think that Thom Yorke is an unparalleled genius, but that does not guarantee Thom Yorke’s affection. In actuality, Thom Yorke doesn’t much care for Chris Martin. The unnamed bloggers who provoked the original post (neither of whom are Julie or FoxyPopcorn, BTW) probably liken my writing to Rebecca Black. They are not wrong.

I’m sure I’ve grossly oversimplified these categories. Maybe many people are a hybrid of these categories? I don’t want to set up some stereotypical buckets to put people into. I hate that. I don’t fit into any particular category myself as a human being.

I think maybe it’s MOST important to understand that there are different INTENTS behind blogging.

From Foxy Popcorn:
I think that acknowledging that my motivation for blogging could very well be different from someone else’s (is important). Maintaining a flexible set of guidelines that allow for and celebrate those differences is important to me.

My hope is that understanding this can lead to maybe better relations between bloggers? Now that I wrote that, I’m cringing a bit. I sound pretty grandiose. I AM listening to the “Inception” soundtrack right now

There’s more! These bloggers have written great food for thought:

1. Hannah Laughed, Sarah Wept (Part One)
2. Hannah Laughed, Sarah Wept (Part Two) Complete with the most hilarious photo I’ve seen in weeks
3. Beyond the Wallpaper
4. Project Progeny
5. A Separate Life

Have you been writing about commenting? Let me know in the er, comments, below. I am reaching Blog Within a Blog Within a Blog levels…and Stumbling Gracefully and Bodega Bliss know that I take my Leo movies VERY seriously. BTW guys, he’s 36 !?!

Do you agree with all this? Or is this all a gross oversimplification? Do you hear “Friday (…comes before Satuuurdaay)” as your read this post?

Next time: Do you want to have an easier time replying to your comments? I have talked to some smart people, and therefore have some ideas…

Bloggers Who Ignore Comments

I was listening to an NPR reporter interviewing a famous music producer. He noted that many songs are now coming from obscure writers, because they tweet a producer, the producer listens to a track online, loves it, cuts a deal.

The plus side of Twitter is that it is a very large Algonquin Round Table. One shaped as a pyramid. At the very top of the heap are the celebrities, the famous authors, sports stars, the movie stars. I don’t play on that top level. The second level down is the influential writers, directors, famous mommy bloggers, food writers, design buffs, chefs, wits, and just all around excellent masters of the art of the sharp, concise, terse yet powerful tweet. A lot of us play around with this level, and rarely get responded to. But if you do, it makes your day. If you don’t get a response, oh well. Then, there are all of the people who you follow based on your interests or blogging connections. These buddies are on your level. They are your peers, your friends. They commiserate on unique problems you may face (like infertility) or share your interest (*cough* obsession) with “Sherlock” or “Game of Thrones.” I admit that I sometimes feel like a loser when certain people I admire on twitter don’t respond to my tweets. But that’s unusual.

Blogging is different. I rarely comment on “the big blogs” unless I feel I have something unique and special to add to the discussion. Some of those blogs get hundreds or thousands of comments all with people saying the same thing over and over. But, then there are my bloggy friends, whose blogs I try to comment on as much as I can. Those blogs I have a special connection to (either because of interests or just friendship), and I comment often on them. Then there are other blogs, which I don’t comment as frequently on, but monitor and read and value.

Then there are the two or three smaller blogs that I really enjoy, whose posts always make me think differently about some issue. Sometimes I will spend 30 minutes working on a response, but the blogger either never responds to my comments nor do they comment on my own blog. I always wonder about them. Have I said something to offend them? Do they not appreciate comments? Do they not want discussion? None of these blogs get very many comments. And it makes me wonder if comments are, indeed, necessary to everyone?

To me, every comment is like a sparkling jewel. All of them make me think, and they all make me feel connected in a great sense to the world. I do try to either respond to comments or comment on people’s blogs who comment. Sometimes, I probably fail at that, and if so, I’m sorry. Is that what you think should be done? Or are comments superfluous, not necessary to your writing? Regardless of whether the blogger responds, what they have written matters to me and has made an impact. Maybe that’s enough?

What do you think?

Does Music Inspire You to Write?

I LOVE Prompt(ly), Stirrup Queen’s new project. If you haven’t been, go check it out.

I have been thinking of ways to get the writer-ly juices flowing. I have one quarter of a book to finish, and I need to get moving. But I don’t blog daily either, one of my goals for this year. So, how should I inspire myself?

I find lately that music can be that inspiration. I like the “Atonement” soundtrack a lot. As I was listening to it the other day, my iLike application suggested “Buckbeat’s Flight,” from “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” So I bought it, and I remembered that the scene the music was written for is one of my favorite scenes in the series so far.

Here’s the scene:

Isn’t this one of the most perfect distillations of pure joy ever put on screen? There are a few moments in my life when I have felt this way: walking up the aisle at my wedding after my beloved and I were wed, driving through the middle of a wildebeest migration and rappelling down the face of a mountain in the Alps. Those moments were far and few between: unless you are a mountain climber or an adrenaline junkie, you only have a small amount of them in your life. But, oh, how beautiful they are. And we should harbor them in our memory. Safeguard them for the times we have people telling us we are “less than”. For those times when life seems completely shitty. For those times when sorrow creeps in. Somewhere, at some time, you rode a hippogriff and yelled; “Woo-hoo!”

And that moment was worth 12,000 bad ones.

What’s Happening Now in the Adoption, Loss, Infertility Community: Edition Three

A while ago, I wrote an unworthy tribute to the Herb Caen columns that I grew up with. I’ve decided to make it a series. The point of “What’s Happening, Now” is to update you all about achievements and happenings among our friends in the ALI community. I hope to provide some fun, quirky news about our group and to remind us all that we are MORE than our infertility and loss. I hope you enjoy!

Are you dreaming of roaming the emerald green hills of IRELAND? Wish you could visit a medieval castle? Stay in a B&B? Get your hair did at a European salon? (I plead guilty.) Live vicariously through Fearlessly Infertile. She has put together an absolutely gorgeous, jealousy-inducing photo album of the highlights of her trip: it’s a must-see. Also, she’s hosting a giveaway: complete with Irish shortbread, a calendar of the Gaelic sights, a grow-your-own four-leaf clover kit (!) and Shutterfly coupon…Stumbling Gracefully tweeted about a deadly run-in with a herd of baby goats in the wilds of St. Louis. They ate her Anthropologie shirt! She has not written about it on her blog yet as she is still vacationing. But I can’t wait for the full story.

@2manyfish2fry We went to feed the baby goats at Grant's Farm. There were crazy. They swarmed us. They bit the babies' fingers and toes…—
Esperanzasays (@StumblingGrace) June 14, 2011

…Liberal Granola is counting the days until her husband, who is in the Army, comes home. She has been detailing her exercise and diet plan in preparation and she’s kicking butt.

The Pomegranate Society has officially been founded! The Pomegranate Society is an online writing workshop with a focus on getting works finished and published. We have some really exciting projects from some of your favorite bloggers (check back soon for the full list). I am sworn to secrecy, but trust me: you’ll be dying to download these books onto your Kindle. We still have room for one or two more projects but I am closing this first round of workshop early next week. So, HURRY!…Have you lacked blogging mojo lately? You’re not alone. Stirrup Queens had noticed a general malaise and lack of inspiration in the ALI blogging community. And she came up with a brilliant solution: Prompt-ly, a list-serve complete with blog prompts, news stories, a place to debate hot button issues, writing exercises, and news about publishing/writing/agents etc. Check it out…

Lots of ALI bloggers in competition for various honors this week! One of my favorite ALI bloggers, Lavender Luz, is currently in vying to be one of The Circle of Moms Top 25 Adoption Bloggers: Go and vote for her!…Keiko from Sarah Wept, Hannah Laughed is collecting votes for 1000 Women. Every woman who receives 1,000 votes on their story will be part of our special promotional efforts for our 1000Women campaign, meaning each vote for Keiko is a vote for ALI awareness. She’s almost at 100 votes. Please go and vote for her: if we could get her to 1000, we’d get some much-needed advocacy!…Stirrup Queens is up for a biggie: the 2011 Annual Bloganthropy Award. She’s one of five finalists. This one’s decided by a panel, so we’ll have to just keep our fingers crossed for her.

Readers, do you have any exciting projects, hobbies or stories to share? Or have you read about another blogger’s triumph? Please provide links below!!

Founding Partners of The Pomegranate Society

This Declaration of Intent was emailed to all of the members of The Pomegranate Society. It’s not too late to join: please comment below if you are interested in joining our intrepid group!

Hello all prospective members! I am so excited that you are interested in The Pomegranate Society. We are going to go get that publishing pot of gold. Together.

I have done a lot of research and spoken with MFA candidates and graduates, authors published and unpublished. I hope that I have solidified my ideas for this writing workshop. And, that you like them!

PURPOSE!

1. I have noticed that a lot of bloggers in the ALI community either have book projects, unfinished works or finished books that they hope to get ready for the publishing sphere.

2. A lot of us need a kick in the butt to move on these projects and finish them. And make them publishable.

3. Most workshops and MFA programs don’t focus on the end goal: getting your work published. The only program that puts a big emphasis on getting your works published is Columbia’s. Not coincidentally, their MFA program has the highest rate of published authors.

5. There is a dramatic shift in publishing: the New York publishing empire is crumbling and a new breed of small publishing houses are looking to take their place. These houses value talented bloggers with a reputation for authenticity. I know you all fit that description.

6. Self-publishing has also been very successful for some authors lately, and may be right for you.

7. We’ve all had so many crappy things happen. I’d love for us to produce something positive!

At the end of this workshop you may not have a finished product. But I hope that it will have given you the kick you need to EVENTUALLY complete your work, and publish it if you so wish.

METHOD TO THE MADNESS!

Only 10% of writers who attend workshops ever finish their manuscripts and publish them. It’s like going on a diet: you have to be extremely disciplined to complete your project.

What works best with dieters trying to lose weight? Community-based programs. Pairing them with workout buddies.

This is why I want to pair each member of The Pomegranate Society with another member. This member might have a similar project, or might be at the same point in the writing process as you.

Your partner will keep you on track. Both of you will come up with self-imposed deadlines: write a certain amount of words, or x number of chapters each week. Refine x amount, tighten x amount of work. Contact x number of agents. This partner will keep you accountable for these deadlines, like an editor or a boss.

Your partner will read your work each week, and you will read their work each week. Guidelines for critique will be issued: it will need to be constructive, yet kind.

In addition to the partner dynamic, each week I’d like to have each member submit a piece of writing to the critique group at large. Positive, but constructive comments would be given to by everyone. I have a few “guests”: professional writers, “stars”, etc that would also come once a week and also offer their comments. Guest stars, if you will

I also hope to do interactive Q & As with a publisher and an agent at the end of our workshop.

WHAT I NEED FROM YOU!!!!!!

Can you each please tell me about your project in detail: the genre, the plot, where you are in the writing process. I absolutely swear on my life that I will not reveal these details to another living soul. If you do join The Pomegranate Society, you will obviously be sharing this information with the group chosen. If you all want to sign NDAs to establish the trust, that is fine by me.

PLEASE tell me if there is anything else you want out of this program. I don’t want to issue commands from on high and want this to be as collaborative as possible.

Once I have finalized who is in and paired you up, many more details will be to come, including a critique schedule, the critiquing guidelines. The critiquing process.

What If My Entire Thesis About Joy Was Wrong?

For those who have read my blog since January when I first instituted “The Year of Living Joyfully”, you may have noticed that I have moved away from writing explicitly about seeking Joy. I am reading a couple of books about Happiness, given to me by Stumbling Gracefully. But I really have gravitated towards writing, creating “The Pomegranate Society” and finishing my mystery. Writing: the very occupation which I have resisted pursuing from a young age.

“The Year of Living Joyfully” came from my effort to snap out of a depression caused by a domino effect of tragic events, quite frankly. Back then, I thought there was some magical formula for being happy. What I am gathering from Buddhist monks, Deepak Chopra, Leo Tolstoy is the following: maybe focusing on Joy is the wrong move.

Then, this article, which is food for thought whether you are a parent, thinking about the parent you want to be or reflecting on your own parents’ style. My parents were very supportive and reassuring, and sheltered me from harm as much as they could. They intervened with teachers who graded me too harshly and also stood up to the Vice Principal the time I was suspected of telling the captain of our cheer squad that she was being a b****. (It was my friend who said it, actually, and I didn’t want to rat her out.) I had the seventh grade experience of being “Shunned”. That was about it. My childhood was mercifully blessed. Or maybe that wasn’t so merciful.

There appears to be a backlash on the current style of parenting: child-centric with a focus on boosting self-esteem. People in their 20s and 30s are feeling anxious and depressed, even though they had happy childhoods and good relationships with their parents.

I mean, jeez. How in the world are people supposed to EVER be happy if even the parenting style MOST focused on producing happy children fails?

Here is a possible answer, from The Atlantic: Maybe we shouldn’t be focused on being happy. “…research shows that much better predictors of life fulfillment and success are perseverance, resiliency, and reality-testing—qualities that people need so they can navigate the day-to-day.”

Do we really live in a world where the Stoics were right?

Assume at Your Peril

Assume…the word makes an ass out of you and me. As my English teacher in high school controversially proclaimed in class one day.

My college roommate announced the birth of her child tonight. He was born too soon. I am hoping and praying for the best…she’s going through the NICU roller coaster.

Why is it assumed today that the vast majority of people will get pregnant easily and give birth in a normal, yet amusing way? It’s not true. My friend almost died.

One in eight people has trouble getting pregnant. One in eight babies is born too soon.

Neither of these statistics is acceptable.

I’m so angry. And this is the latest slap in the face in a long line of tragedies this month.

Why?

Update on The Pomegranate Society

Photo credit: http://www.flagstaffotos.com.au/gallery23/main.php, via Wikimedia Commons

Lots of progress has been made with The Pomegranate Society! We have eleven excellent writers signed up, and the most I can accommodate is 16, so hurry and sign up now! We are looking for writers with screenplays, YA/fantasy, chick lit, mysteries and general fiction.

The Pomegranate Society will be structured to pair a set of writers with similar projects together. Your paired writer will be a workout buddy of sorts: you will motivate each other to meet deadlines. I am currently speaking to some MFAs about how to structure the critiquing/editing elements of the program so we can all help each other strengthen our material, keeping an eye on what will sell, the structure, character development and plotting.

I am also working on a list of critiquing guidelines based on successful workshops in the past.

Everything will be done virtually, and I will be creating a website soon for the project. Mel at Stirrup Queens has kindly offered to promote the project, and I think we should all read her excellent DIY guide to getting an agent and getting published.

I hope to host an interactive Q&A with an agent and/or a publisher (no promises: yet).

If you know of any writers who are working on similar works, please let me know.

I hope to jumpstart this program in the next few weeks. I think so many of us just need that extra push to start/finish our books and begin to market them to agents and publishers. If the critiquing project improves your book’s chances (which is of course the end game), Hurrah!

Please let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be in touch with you all individually soon.

CookedHeads said: “I feel…so…John Hancock…historical even…” I do too! Let’s use the shit we’ve endured and turn it into a Publishing Pot of Gold!

WHAT QUESTIONS DO YOU HAVE? DOES THIS PLAN TALLY WITH WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING TO DO? SIGN UP NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE